Getting on with life after divorce is a strange concept to me. It's impossible to just shut down all those feelings and I find it confusing how up and down I am most of the time. I am happier than I've been in a long time and often I am so glad to have C out of my life. We rarely have contact and I much prefer it that way, I need space to sort it all out. I was doing so good and was on such a high this past week. Then C called yesterday to announce he was in town and on his way over to return some of my stuff and pick up a couple of his things.
Seeing him after two months was like a punch to the gut. He looked damn cute and all I wanted to do was throw myself into his arms. Instead we fought and said horrible things before calming down and talking like adults. While he was here, I got a phone call that one of my uncles lost his battle with cancer. C never said a word about it and left today to go back. I just wanted to cry in his arms and it made me so sad that I couldn't. I'm so upset with myself for feeling this way and cried because I really wish I didn't love him anymore. I really don't wish to see him and it's a good thing he's moving to NY so I won't have to randomly bump into him around town.
My feelings are all jumbled up now. Grief over my uncle, which brings back memories of my Dad's death. Grief over my failed marriage, which makes me fear I'll suck at any future relationship. Anger that I still care about C and desperation that I'll never truly get over his stupid ass. I want to hate him and oh man, sometimes I do, but I also still love him and that hurts the most. I pray at night for God to take away my love for C but so far, it's not happening. Guess it doesn't quite work that way, unfortunately.
All this happened Saturday and it's ironic but I had such a great Friday. I had been text-flirting with KA all day and had made out with a cute guy at a bar that night. I was feeling so good about my life! Now I just feel sad, I know this will pass but getting to that other side is such a bitch. I really need a fast forward button, wouldn't that just be so much easier than processing feelings and having to feel all these damn emotions?
Any good thoughts and prayers are much appreciated right now. The next few days are going to be very hard for me and my family. Cancer is a bitch.