Getting on with life after divorce is a strange concept to me. It's impossible to just shut down all those feelings and I find it confusing how up and down I am most of the time. I am happier than I've been in a long time and often I am so glad to have C out of my life. We rarely have contact and I much prefer it that way, I need space to sort it all out. I was doing so good and was on such a high this past week. Then C called yesterday to announce he was in town and on his way over to return some of my stuff and pick up a couple of his things.
Seeing him after two months was like a punch to the gut. He looked damn cute and all I wanted to do was throw myself into his arms. Instead we fought and said horrible things before calming down and talking like adults. While he was here, I got a phone call that one of my uncles lost his battle with cancer. C never said a word about it and left today to go back. I just wanted to cry in his arms and it made me so sad that I couldn't. I'm so upset with myself for feeling this way and cried because I really wish I didn't love him anymore. I really don't wish to see him and it's a good thing he's moving to NY so I won't have to randomly bump into him around town.
My feelings are all jumbled up now. Grief over my uncle, which brings back memories of my Dad's death. Grief over my failed marriage, which makes me fear I'll suck at any future relationship. Anger that I still care about C and desperation that I'll never truly get over his stupid ass. I want to hate him and oh man, sometimes I do, but I also still love him and that hurts the most. I pray at night for God to take away my love for C but so far, it's not happening. Guess it doesn't quite work that way, unfortunately.
All this happened Saturday and it's ironic but I had such a great Friday. I had been text-flirting with KA all day and had made out with a cute guy at a bar that night. I was feeling so good about my life! Now I just feel sad, I know this will pass but getting to that other side is such a bitch. I really need a fast forward button, wouldn't that just be so much easier than processing feelings and having to feel all these damn emotions?
Any good thoughts and prayers are much appreciated right now. The next few days are going to be very hard for me and my family. Cancer is a bitch.
Thinking of you girl, you are a trooper. Man seeing an ex boyfriend is hard (even years later) seeing an ex husband must be torture. You will get over him though but it takes time. Sorry to hear about your uncle it must be hard to have another loss, you can't seem to catch a break. Hopefully you will have a lot more days like Friday and a lot less like Saturday. Hang on, it gets better soon, it has to.
ReplyDeleteI'm praying for you. Hang in there. You are going to be okay even though its so terribly hard right now.
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry to hear about your uncle and your interactions with C. I think what you are experiencing is totally normal. I know that I feel all over the place all the time and the only thing I can do is to just ride out the waves. I also find it totally important to really use the moments that I am feeling more calm and stable to their fullest so that I am able to get things accomplished.
ReplyDeletehang in there. I hope you are enjoying your boys, it certainly sounds like it
I just posted a quote on my blog - it seems like it might hit home for you, if not now, at some future point. Relationships are complicated - oh so complicated! I am always amazed at how layered and seemingly conflicted emotions can be. sending you love as you figure it all out.
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