For the last few months, I swore that I was really living my life, that I was being single and just focusing on myself and to an extent, I was right. I was focused on myself and I was doing whatever the hell I wanted, it was so nice to put myself first and to not worry about anyone else. I've had so much fun, especially the last month or so, once the depression got better. It's like that was my last darkest before dawn moment and I am so glad it's done. I feel like I've stepped out of that dark tunnel into the light and for the first time in 8 months, I am truly happy.
It took me a long time to get to the other side and I had to drag my ass kicking and screaming the whole way. My mind was so ready to be done and my heart just hadn't quite caught up. Then I realized a few things: 1) He doesn't want to be married to me anymore. 2) The year is half over and in just a few short months, it'll be a year since the split. 3) I lost him but I am still standing. 4) I'm in control of my own life. 5) It was time to get laid or start dating...you know, one or the other!
So, I grabbed my best single girlfriend, hit up the bar and had a one night stand. I'll call him Blue Eyes and he was funny but only 26, which made my 30 feel kinda old. But, he was cute and into me so there you have it. I expected to feel guilty or sad or to maybe even cry but nope, instead I got in my car, called my guy BFF, R, and went home to sleep. After him, I met a really cute but very young guy I'll call Buffet Guy and by young, I mean he is 23 years old but hot damn, he's built like Jacob from Twi.light, no lie! No sex but a lot of fun was had. Then I met a guy I'll call SOG, short for Shades of Grey, because he was convinced he was that Christian character, he was arrogant and egotistical and our one date ended comically so that ended that little almost adventure.
So, needless to say, I've been going out a lot and having a blast! Flirting, texting and talking with guys from a couple dating sites and of course, at my favorite bar. I have hardly talked to C and I am much happier for that. I have moved on and it feels like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I finally accepted that my marriage is over and while it is sad that we couldn't make it work, everything that has happened is happening for a reason. I know one day this will all make sense to me and I'm perfectly ok with just seeing where this journey is taking me. It's already been loads of fun and I feel like such a different person than I was a year ago. I actually like who I am now! I've grown so much and am learning every day who I am, it's the greatest feeling to fall in love with yourself and your life. It's freeing and peaceful and amazing.
Most of all, it's hopeful. I can't believe I spent so much of the last couple of years so damn unhappy. I didn't see my unhappiness for what it truly was and now that I'm happy, I can't go back. I won't ever again convince myself that this is how life is suppose to be. This is my life and while it isn't the life I expected or dreamed about but it's the life I've been given and it's a gift. So I plan on living my life to the fullest. Mainly, I plan on living it for myself. When I told my friends all of this, they told me "Welcome to truly starting over, Amanda. Welcome to the beginning of the most fun you'll ever have!"
I got knocked down and broken into a million pieces but I stood up and put myself back together and now I'm ready to kick ass. Watch out, world, here I come!