Last weekend I went to one of those big stores that sells in bulk with my Mom. It had been a lazy Saturday up until that point, M was mowing the lawn when she called and asked me if I wanted to go with her. I was editing pictures but needed a break anyway. I threw on yoga pants, an old shirt, ran a comb through my hair, and left. We were just wondering around, throwing stuff in our cart when we turned a corner and directly in front of us was the woman XH left me for, with my XSIL and his niece.
It felt like I'd been punched in the stomach, I literally gasped. I quickly walked away but I saw the smirk on that bitch's face and the stunned look on XSIL's face. I was shaking and called my sister so she could talk me down..LOL! My Mom went to pay and sent me out to wait in the car, I was so grateful because I just had to get out of there. A storm was rolling in and it just so aptly captured my emotions.
And man were the emotions rolling in. Everything from anger to sadness to grief to disbelief to gratitude that XH is no longer my husband....I felt it all. It was overwhelming but I was mostly just stunned. Coming home to M's smiling face put it all into perspective though. The divorce truly was for the best. I'm the happiest, best version of myself now. XH seems to be happy too. What started out in so much pain and sadness has ended in smiles and happiness. I'm so grateful for that.
But seeing my former niece, who is now 15, and who I've known since before she was born, was just so damn hard. We were really close and I miss her every damn day. When we split, I lost three nephews and two nieces and that is just so painful. I think about them often and wonder about how much they've grown. I remember their birthdays and can't stand to see their pictures. Then I look at my two nephews and my two nieces and thank God that I have them. XH often asks about them and I know he misses them.
We are so damn happy now in our respective lives but OMG, the fucking collateral damage in the wake is still such a tender wound. I hate that we hurt others. But, mainly, I just hate that these kids will one day reach a point where we aren't even a memory in their minds. I will remember them, XH will remember them, but those kids won't remember Aunt Amanda or Uncle Carlos.
And that really fucking hurts.