May 5, 2015

Roller Coaster, yet again

I had a weird dream the other night. It featured a scary roller coaster and a transforming seatmate who was first XH, who then morphed into the Cowboy. It was very unsettling. And very indicative of my current thoughts. The last few weeks I've been talking to XH, we've been discussing house and legal matters. But, we aren't the type to keep things from getting personal so of course we end up chatting about mutual friends, our families, and updating each other on our personal lives. In hindsight, I see how stupid that is.

He's being nice, he's being the XH I knew when I first married him. But of course, that's not the XH who left me for another woman or who yelled horrible things at me or who was so manipulative and emotionally abusive during the last two years of our marriage. And he's also waxing poetic about our marriage and what ended it. All so stupid and of course I listen and engage the stupid. I'm frustrated with myself.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not over here daydreaming about a reconciliation. I very much love the Cowboy. It's just part of me that is still seeking vindication and answers seems to engage with XH because I want solid proof that I wasn't a completely terrible wife who trashed her marriage. Which, rationally, I know. But my heart isn't as convinced and I can't help how I feel. But it sure sucks. XH and I split up over two and half years ago, I'm so over wondering about the demise of my supposed forever.

It's really impeccable timing too. I'm having my much hated Mirena IUD removed at the end of the month and we're discussing and looking at engagement rings. I still don't think highly of marriage (for myself) but I do like the idea of rings to symbolize our commitment to each other. We already live together, share bills, a life, etc so it already feels very much like marriage just without the titles and I'm perfectly ok with that. I kind of prefer it actually.

It's like XH could sense that though. He knows nothing of my life with the Cowboy because I choose to not share that part of my life with him. I don't think it's appropriate and the Cowboy isn't comfortable with XH knowing anything about us either. XH occasionally asks but I just tell him everything is fine and change the subject.

Divorce is hard. It just seems to continue haunting me at the oddest moments. I really don't want to be dealing with the fallout for years and years because that's just depressing. I just want to totally and completely put it behind me. While I'm glad the divorce roller coaster isn't moving as much as it use to, I'd much prefer it be parked and over. I want off completely.

I'm working on my need for vindication but in the mean time, I'm firmly back to limiting contact to XH with emails only. And enjoying life with my Cowboy, because life is so very good right now and I'm really happy.

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