December 9, 2013

Hope is Mine

C stopped by again last night, making that two weeks in a row. He seems like he's on the verge of saying something but just can't bring himself to actually do it. We talked for an hour outside, him sitting in his truck and me standing in the open door. He turns his heater vent towards me so I don't completely freeze. We talk about his work, our families and friends, catch each other up on our lives and sometimes discuss what happened with us. Talking about our demise is always sad and it upsets me but not like it use to do. I can talk with a level head and so can he. We're reached a good place but man did it take us a while to get here.

I think we're friends or at least we're on our way to being friends. We still joke around and make each other laugh. Sometimes it strikes me as so odd that I'm standing there laughing with this man who I know so intimately yet not at all anymore. For a brief moment last night, I saw past the bullshit of the last year and caught a glimpse of how we use to be, before it all fell epically apart. It was a bittersweet feeling. I got a little teary eyed because our divorce will actually be final this week. I was standing with my husband for the last time and that just touched something deep inside me.

I married C so young but so in love. I was so proud to be his wife and adored calling him my husband. I was so very proud to carry his last name too. I never in my wildest dreams ever thought that we would be divorcing. And I know I'll always carry a smidgen of this pain with me, just like I'll always love C. He's 13 years of my life and carries within him so many shared memories. I wouldn't be who I am today without him. So I don't regret one single moment with him. This divorce was the best thing for us though, as individuals. I've grown so much and I really am quite happy with my life at the moment.

He needed to be on the other side of the state by morning so when it began to sprinkle, we started winding down our talk. I looked at him and pointed out that this was our last time together as husband and wife. I hugged him pretty tight and touched his cheek, one last time. Told him to be careful and walked back into my house as he drove away. I never looked back, just marched straight inside.

I've been through hell the last few years. I'm very proud of the person I've become because I fought like hell to become her. This is my life and it's nothing like I imagined but it is wonderful. My past is bittersweet but it's behind me now and I'm excited about everything that lies ahead of me. A big, blank canvas that is entirely up to ME to paint. I'm just getting started but I can tell it's gong to be a beautiful picture in the end.

Hope is mine. And I wouldn't have it any other way.

No comments:

Post a Comment