October 8, 2014

My Non-iversary

October 10th will mark my second non-iversary, aka the day I found out my marriage was over. It is really mind-blowing that it has already been two years since that happened. I can remember that day pretty well. I got my hair done that day, had it cut and dyed red. I had plans to meet a cousin for drinks. At that point, XH and I hadn't spoken in about a week. He'd asked for some time with no contact so he could think and figure out his feelings. I was naive enough to think he'd be fine but I was also scared out of my damn mind. I could barely function and remember showing up at my big brother's house late one night to cry on his shoulder and get his advice. He was and is the closest to my Dad I can hope to get in regards to advice. He reassured me that XH was being a crybaby attention whore and that everything would be fine.

Yeah, imagine my shock when in the middle of my margarita, my phone rang and it was XH calling to shatter my heart into millions of pieces. I remember sliding off my barstool and walking outside so we could talk without a loud bar in the background. It was still light out and there was a nice Fall breeze that evening. My heart was racing and my hands were shaking as he started chatting about work, like he hadn't just ignored me for a fucking week. I softly asked him what was going on and if we were ever going to talk about it. He said yeah, what do you want to know? So, I took a deep breath and asked, "Do you want a divorce?" He was really quiet for a good 5 minutes before answering softly, "Yes." I started to cry and hung up on him. He tried calling back a couple of times but I didn't answer. My cousin took me home and I told my family, all while sobbing.

I don't really remember the weeks following that. I remember lots of angry phone calls that ended in yelling. I remember lots of drunk nights where I sat under my covered porch, listening to sad music, and crying. I'd stumble to bed around 4am and pass out, wake up around 1pm, unable to eat or get out of bed and I'd start drinking around 5. Rinse and repeat for about two months. It was so fucking awful. I could barely function. My family hovered and damn, they were just so incredible. My mom, siblings, aunts, uncles, cousins and friends just really rallied around me. I am so thankful for those incredible people!

I didn't start really getting better until around February. But, once I turned that corner, I didn't look back. I took off and became the best Amanda I've ever been. I met M that June and promptly fell in love.

Looking back, I am amazed that I got through that. It was the hardest thing I've ever done and yes, it was way harder than watching my Dad die. But I did it, I survived and not only did I survive, I am thriving now! I am gleefully celebrating my 2 year non-iversary because it symbolizes my rebirth. I am very proud of myself. Starting over is damn hard but it's very do-able and once you get past the worst, you will be so glad it happened. If you're anything like me, you'll even feel grateful to the sorry SOB that left you because it was the best thing he ever did for you.

So, Happy 2nd Non-iversary to me! I'm so glad it happened and I'm so glad I survived!

No comments:

Post a Comment