February 26, 2014

More Lessons on Grief

My divorce is like a never-ending story, it just seems to always be something. Per our divorce agreement, I won a certain amount of his assets. Getting my hands on said assets is proving to be a headache. One that is resulting in more paperwork and loops to jump through. It's just annoying because it often involves me having to communicate with C, which isn't my favorite thing to do these days, no matter now friendly we are. Because, well, we have a love/hate relationship and to be honest, we've always known how to push each others buttons and we enjoy doing that. Basically, we're both immature but ehh, whatever.

We take turns pissing each other off and usually I am over it within the same day because I think it's stupid for me to be angry with my ex-husband. But C takes it to the extreme, as usual. And I'm not sure what I did or said this time but obviously it was something because when he's pissy with me, he won't speak to me or return calls, texts or emails. It's the most annoying damn thing. I'm trying to get information from him and he's not cooperating. Way to breach our agreement, you sorry SOB.

I received some paperwork in the mail the other day pertaining to all this. I was going over it and literally not understanding a word because legal jargon just makes my eyes cross when a particular sentence jumped out at me: .....Legal blah blah blah....[C and Amanda] were married July 15, 2006 and divorced December 18, 2013. I just stopped for a second and couldn't breathe. Right there in black and white, all legal and shit. Never mind that we've been split up for 16 months. Never mind that we've both spewed hateful words at each other. Never mind that I have another man sleeping in my bed or that he has a girlfriend. Never mind that I've seen the actual divorce decree with the judge's signature and official TX seal. Nothing made it real until I saw it written like that. It bothered me.

Divorce wasn't something that was suppose to happen to C and me, not us. Hell, we were C and Amanda for so long that I didn't know anything else. I knew him better than I knew myself; every scar, every freckle, every story. I took care of him after surgeries, when he was sick and washed his damn boxers. 13 years of love notes, gifts and memories that became meaningless in a single sentence: I want a divorce. I know I'm happier now, I know that I've found a me that I had lost over the course of our marriage but it doesn't make it ok. Nothing will make it ok because I took our marriage seriously and it failed. I failed, he failed, we failed. And that sucks.

Dealing with infertility and my Dad's death, I've learned that grief is entirely it's own entity. A very real emotion that demands attention, often at the oddest moments. One that comes and goes as it pleases. One you can't predict, even when you try. Dealing with my divorce, I've learned that grief isn't an emotion that ends, it just evolves. It changes and morphs into emotions you can't possibly understand. It affects every aspect of yourself and fighting that is futile. You just have to accept that grief is in your life now, permanently. It will always be there, a dark shadow lurking in the background of your life and all it's moments. It's far-reaching and unforgiving.

But, living with grief, while it changes you, it also shows you things about yourself that you never knew or appreciated. For instance, it taught me that I have to enjoy life. I have to endure my life. I have to keep living because grief has taught me just how precious life is. Just how amazing laughing with your loved ones truly is. Just how amazing it is when someone expands their family. Just how amazing a supportive and loving partner is. I marvel at the smallest things now and openly express my feelings because you are never guaranteed another.

It's a double-edged sword. And I'd much rather have my Dad alive and to have never experienced the pain of infertility or divorce. But, since I have experienced those pains, I live with my grief and try my damnedest to make a positive out of it. Sometimes that is easy and other times, it knocks me on my ass. Live and learn, my friends, live and learn. Experience all the ups and downs and when life kicks you in your balls, get back up and smile knowing that you endure.

Or, if you're like me, pour yourself some rum and buy some pretty nail polish. 

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