I've gotten to that part of life after divorce where it's not the immediate thing people think about when we talk. I've also met a lot of new people since my split and all they know is I'm divorced. They don't know C or any of the details behind our marriage and divorce. So it's inevitable for THE question to come up, you know that one that all IF'ers dread with a passion of a thousand fiery suns: do you have kids? (And all the forms that question comes in, including but not limited to: why don't you have kids? do you want kids? why didn't your and your ex have any?, etc) My mind's immediate reaction is, "oh yay, this damn question again." But at least I no longer have that urge to throat punch the people who ask me that! Progress!
It's not quite the sting it was before the split but it's still a twinge of something to my heart. If I'm totally unprepared for it, like if it comes out of left field when I'm chatting about mundane things, it can leave me breathless for a second. The first couple of times, my mind scrambled to think of an appropriate answer that wasn't quite the depressing truth. Depending on how many drinks I'd consumed at that point, sometimes my reply would be the blunt truth but mostly I'd just give a little smile, shake my head no, and tell them we didn't have kids but hopefully one day I will and change the subject. Most people just go with that. Only once has someone really pushed for answers and I just flat out told her that we struggled with MFI. Yes, I kinda threw C under the bus with that response but I was annoyed.
Which, leads to another set of problems, our IF dx. Explaining that is quite awkward too. We were very open about our IF problems and C was very open about his azoospermia but I was never comfortable telling people about it. It wasn't my diagnosis so I never felt like it was right for me to tell people about it, which C thought was silly. But MFI makes people say the most inappropriate things and I'd just rather not hear that shit. Only our immediate family and closest friends in Arkansas knew. Nobody outside that circle had a clue and even now my longtime friends down here are always surprised to hear the whole story. I've heard from all of them that they all thought it was me who couldn't have kids. I preferred it that way too, to be honest. I didn't want C to deal with the insensitivity so I kept it pretty quiet. And now it feels mean to tell people about his azoo. It's just so personal and I don't feel comfortable spreading his personal information to people.
Anyway, I always tell people that yes, of course I want children one day. After C left and it became obvious that we weren't going to be able to repair our relationship, I was very struck by the thought that I could actually have a family one day. (Right before we split, C had told me he had changed his mind and no longer wanted kids.) As a woman who dealt with IF, it was really hard for me to accept that I was excited about this possibility because it felt like such a betrayal to C. I always told him I loved him more than sperm and that I wanted him, not sperm. And that was very true, given the choice, I would have always chosen C. But he walked out and left, he made the choice that we were irrevocably broken so I made the choice that yes, I want kids and I'm going to have them one day. But I do feel guilty and I hope that fades one day.
I'm not ready for kids yet, I'm still a mess. No steady job and I'm not ready for the responsibility. But I know the time will come when my clock isn't something I'll be able to ignore. I'm 31 and have been longing for a baby for the past six years. My friends are on their second or third baby and I'm over here, divorced and drunk on the weekends. So even though I'm not responsible enough yet, my baby fever is always in the back of my mind. But so is the IF, it's confusing sometimes to make peace between the two. Between who I use to be and who I am now, what my life was before and what my life is after. Between the IF struggle and the possibility that I can have a baby one day. Making peace with the cards I was handed but now having the ability to have a say in how they are played.
Showing posts with label azoospermia. Show all posts
Showing posts with label azoospermia. Show all posts
March 29, 2014
March 27, 2012
Bringing the IF back
Next week officially marks 4 years of TTC, can I still call it that if we have no sperm and no ovulation? Also, why can nobody give me an answer to that question? Guess I'll call it 4 years of us desperately wanting to be parents. Only the desperate part comes and goes, sometimes it takes all my willpower to not snatch a baby and run and sometimes I gleefully drink too much tequila and sleep in until one. Sometimes, I don't even think about kids or IF or sperm. And that is a bag of mixed emotions in itself.
IF and kids use to consume my every thought and that sucked. It drained me emotionally to the point where I didn't care if we ever had kids or not. I was just so done with IF running my life. I quit posting on the IF message board I loved, stopped blogging and stopped thinking about babies. It was so freeing and I felt normal. Then, everything with my Dad happened- the cancer being back, chemo, hospice, death- and of course it didn't enter my mind. Even now, I had to remind myself what April meant and I waited for the sting of my empty uterus to chime in but it didn't. All was quiet. All is still quiet.
I don't know how I feel about IF and kids right now. I know how I should feel though. I should be sad and desperate to have a baby in my arms. Instead, I stare at pictures of my Dad and remember something Dr. Nuts once said to me. He told me that IF/azoo wasn't the worst thing that could happen to us. At the time, it was a huge slap in the face and I was so hurt by it. Now I get it. Now I see what he meant. The worst happened almost 4 years after what I thought was the worst. IF is horrible and it sucks. But, for me, it wasn't the worst. Not even close but for more reasons than just my Dad's death.
I just know, from somewhere deep inside of me, that I'll have a child or two. I just know with everything I am that IF isn't anything I can't conquer. C and I will come out on the other side. I know this. I know this because we are aiming for an IVF cycle by December.
IF and kids use to consume my every thought and that sucked. It drained me emotionally to the point where I didn't care if we ever had kids or not. I was just so done with IF running my life. I quit posting on the IF message board I loved, stopped blogging and stopped thinking about babies. It was so freeing and I felt normal. Then, everything with my Dad happened- the cancer being back, chemo, hospice, death- and of course it didn't enter my mind. Even now, I had to remind myself what April meant and I waited for the sting of my empty uterus to chime in but it didn't. All was quiet. All is still quiet.
I don't know how I feel about IF and kids right now. I know how I should feel though. I should be sad and desperate to have a baby in my arms. Instead, I stare at pictures of my Dad and remember something Dr. Nuts once said to me. He told me that IF/azoo wasn't the worst thing that could happen to us. At the time, it was a huge slap in the face and I was so hurt by it. Now I get it. Now I see what he meant. The worst happened almost 4 years after what I thought was the worst. IF is horrible and it sucks. But, for me, it wasn't the worst. Not even close but for more reasons than just my Dad's death.
I just know, from somewhere deep inside of me, that I'll have a child or two. I just know with everything I am that IF isn't anything I can't conquer. C and I will come out on the other side. I know this. I know this because we are aiming for an IVF cycle by December.
February 22, 2010
People are stupid
We've been going to the same tax person for the past three years that we have lived in AR. She is a sweet lady and always remembers us, which is nice. This year, I could barely stop myself from throat punching her. She asked us if we finally had some dependents this year and it was like taking a punch to the gut. C quietly told her no and that we were planning IVF this year and how should we keep track of that for our taxes next year. She launched into this huge speech about adoption and timing and "just relaxing" so that nature can take it's course. She pointed out pictures of her grandkids and told us about her DIL being told she couldn't conceive. How she adopted and got pregnant right afterward, just to get pregnant again right after that one so she sent the woman's son to get a vasectomy and isn't that so funny? lololol
I kept my composure until C glanced at me and then my eyes just began to fill with tears. I just sat there, numb, listening to this idiot and fighting the tears. I was so happy to leave her office. I'm even happier that I was able to fight the tears until I got home and could cry in private. If our IVF doesn't work, there is no way I can go back to her next year.
It's taken me some time to get to a comfortable place with our IF, I'm not as depressed about it anymore and I'm trying very hard to not let it rule my life. It's much easier to get out of bed in the morning now that we have sperm frozen and a firm plan for IVF. I'm hopeful for the first time since December and it feels so good. I'm proud of myself for moving past the darkness of our initial azoo dx, I've fought hard to get here.
But, all it takes is someone laughing about a vasectomy to send me reeling. How I wish C was fertile enough to require such a thing. How I wish I was fertile enough to require getting my tubes tied or BCP. How I wish we weren't facing IF and IVF. Ugh, that stupid bitch.
On an unrelated note, a friend told me today is National Margarita Day. I am not one to go against celebrating a holiday and am enjoying a nice, big margarita. Oh how it helps ease the pain of other people's stupidity!
I kept my composure until C glanced at me and then my eyes just began to fill with tears. I just sat there, numb, listening to this idiot and fighting the tears. I was so happy to leave her office. I'm even happier that I was able to fight the tears until I got home and could cry in private. If our IVF doesn't work, there is no way I can go back to her next year.
It's taken me some time to get to a comfortable place with our IF, I'm not as depressed about it anymore and I'm trying very hard to not let it rule my life. It's much easier to get out of bed in the morning now that we have sperm frozen and a firm plan for IVF. I'm hopeful for the first time since December and it feels so good. I'm proud of myself for moving past the darkness of our initial azoo dx, I've fought hard to get here.
But, all it takes is someone laughing about a vasectomy to send me reeling. How I wish C was fertile enough to require such a thing. How I wish I was fertile enough to require getting my tubes tied or BCP. How I wish we weren't facing IF and IVF. Ugh, that stupid bitch.
On an unrelated note, a friend told me today is National Margarita Day. I am not one to go against celebrating a holiday and am enjoying a nice, big margarita. Oh how it helps ease the pain of other people's stupidity!
January 29, 2010
Bittersweet News
Wednesday was a flurry of doctor appointments and information. First up was my new Houston based RE and we both love him. The only downside is that he is also an ob/gyn so we sat in his waiting room with a ton of pregnant women. I had a date with the dildo-cam on my birthday and that was, like always, a treat. RE said my ovaries are wearing pearls...best description ever of cyst-covered PCOS ovaries! Anyway, IVF in Houston is cheaper than IVF in Little Rock but much more inconvenient with us living in Arkansas and all that. ::sigh::
After my RE, we met with Dr. L to go over everything. That is when it all went to hell and turned my birthday into a really crappy day. They froze two pieces of tissue and the third was examined for sperm. There were only 3. They believe the other two pieces contain that same amount. Dr. L informed us that he was incorrect in believing there were two blockages and that we won't be able to ever conceive on our own because there were no blockages. We cried and cried.
Turns out, C was born with something called Y Chromosome Micro-Deletion. Lightning struck my poor husband at conception. He is missing the pieces of DNA that control sperm production and has azoospermia due to a birth defect. The only way we can conceive is through IVF with ICSI. But, they suggested we also do PGD on our embryos. C will pass this defect on to our sons and they will pass it on to their sons, all males from C on will be IF and need assisted reproductive technology. We cried even more.
Dr. L set up an appointment with a genetic counselor and we rushed over to meet her after Dr. L depressed us. She reinforced everything they told us and suggested transferring only girl embryos. We've been in a daze ever since Wednesday aka the crappiest birthday ever.
Do we roll the dice and risk cursing our son with IF? Do we PGD our embryos? How will we be able to look our hypothetical son in the face knowing that he won't be able to conceive? Did Natural Selection decide to hate C? Is this nature's way of saying C shouldn't reproduce? Why are these questions so hard and the answers so elusive? WHY? WHY? WHY?
What the hell are we going to do?
After my RE, we met with Dr. L to go over everything. That is when it all went to hell and turned my birthday into a really crappy day. They froze two pieces of tissue and the third was examined for sperm. There were only 3. They believe the other two pieces contain that same amount. Dr. L informed us that he was incorrect in believing there were two blockages and that we won't be able to ever conceive on our own because there were no blockages. We cried and cried.
Turns out, C was born with something called Y Chromosome Micro-Deletion. Lightning struck my poor husband at conception. He is missing the pieces of DNA that control sperm production and has azoospermia due to a birth defect. The only way we can conceive is through IVF with ICSI. But, they suggested we also do PGD on our embryos. C will pass this defect on to our sons and they will pass it on to their sons, all males from C on will be IF and need assisted reproductive technology. We cried even more.
Dr. L set up an appointment with a genetic counselor and we rushed over to meet her after Dr. L depressed us. She reinforced everything they told us and suggested transferring only girl embryos. We've been in a daze ever since Wednesday aka the crappiest birthday ever.
Do we roll the dice and risk cursing our son with IF? Do we PGD our embryos? How will we be able to look our hypothetical son in the face knowing that he won't be able to conceive? Did Natural Selection decide to hate C? Is this nature's way of saying C shouldn't reproduce? Why are these questions so hard and the answers so elusive? WHY? WHY? WHY?
What the hell are we going to do?
January 26, 2010
the surgery
C's surgery lasted longer then originally thought and we are finally back at my ILs. He is fine and currently is crashed out thanks pain meds. My head is spinning from all the information though. They found sperm, hiding in the middle of C's testicles! They took biopsies and are freezing the sperm they find. It won't be a lot but they are freezing it for us!! There was no varicocele but H's vas deferens had been cut in two by our inexperienced Dr. Nuts back home. Luckily, they were able to reconnect it. Not sure how we'll pursue informing Dr. Nuts but rest assured, he will be told.
Dr. L urged us to go the IVF route and expressed his doubt over the docs back home being able to do a good job. (Imagine that!) Once I agreed, he got on the phone and got a RE to squeeze me in tomorrow morning here in Houston. This RE is suppose to be one of the best and I am thrilled!
So, forced break is over and IVF is on! I am stunned, scared, hopeful and excited all at once. Busy day tomorrow with new RE, follow up for H and my birthday!
Dr. L urged us to go the IVF route and expressed his doubt over the docs back home being able to do a good job. (Imagine that!) Once I agreed, he got on the phone and got a RE to squeeze me in tomorrow morning here in Houston. This RE is suppose to be one of the best and I am thrilled!
So, forced break is over and IVF is on! I am stunned, scared, hopeful and excited all at once. Busy day tomorrow with new RE, follow up for H and my birthday!
December 21, 2009
the Wizard of Houston
Here we are, another appointment with our MFI guru in Houston today. C's procedures are in 4 hours, we are very anxious to get them over with already. We are still feeling very hopeful and just have not prepared ourselves to hear anything bad. I really hope this works out to our advantage. I'll be sure to update once we get back to my ILs.
This little tune has been stuck in my head ever since we drove down here Friday:
We're off to see the Wizard, the wonderful Wizard of Houston
because because because....
because of the wonderful things he does.
Seriously, it's stuck in my head. If Dr. L gives us great news today, he will forever be known as Dr. Wizard.
This little tune has been stuck in my head ever since we drove down here Friday:
We're off to see the Wizard, the wonderful Wizard of Houston
because because because....
because of the wonderful things he does.
Seriously, it's stuck in my head. If Dr. L gives us great news today, he will forever be known as Dr. Wizard.
November 9, 2009
Unbelievable
We went to our second opinion fully prepared to hear some more of what we have already been told. We both were trying to pretend that we weren't wishing, hoping and praying for a miracle. I sat with C through an extensive questioning of his medical history, our TTC journey and sex life. I witnessed a very thorough physical examination and was able to assist him in collecting semen for our 4th SA. Then we were told to wait for the results and to finally see Dr. L. After what felt like forever, but was really only 40 minutes, Dr. L strolled in and made me cry.
4 sperm. There were 4 sperm in the SA. 4 SPERM!! Two thoughts flew through my mind, where the hell had they been hiding and isn't 4 the most beautiful number, ever? Dr. L informed us that we would more than likely be sending Dr. Nuts a baby picture of C's biological child. He thinks Dr. Nuts is a total idiot and did everything wrong. Dr. L suspects a blockage and has ordered a transrectal ultrasonography (TRUS) and a seminal vesicle aspiration (SVA) for December 21. He also ordered a ton of blood work, including a Y-Chromosome Analysis to check C's DNA.
The 4 were not perfect, 3 were non-motile and only 1 was motile. Based on that, Dr. L said we would be ushered right into IVF, but that didn't surprise us. Well, it scares us but it doesn't surprise us. I cannot describe to you how it felt to be told this. We were in utter shock, I was crying my eyes out and C couldn't stop smiling. We are so glad that we didn't stop with Dr. Nut's or Dr. Insensitive's advice to adopt b/c C is sterile. I am so happy that I didn't ignore my instinct and traveled 500 miles to get another opinion. I am so grateful that God didn't turn His back on me and gave us this break.
As excited as we are, we also know that 4 does not equal a baby and that sperm doesn't equal a successful IVF cycle. But, 4 is so much more than 0. 4 is amazing. 4 is a miracle. 4 is hope.
4 sperm. There were 4 sperm in the SA. 4 SPERM!! Two thoughts flew through my mind, where the hell had they been hiding and isn't 4 the most beautiful number, ever? Dr. L informed us that we would more than likely be sending Dr. Nuts a baby picture of C's biological child. He thinks Dr. Nuts is a total idiot and did everything wrong. Dr. L suspects a blockage and has ordered a transrectal ultrasonography (TRUS) and a seminal vesicle aspiration (SVA) for December 21. He also ordered a ton of blood work, including a Y-Chromosome Analysis to check C's DNA.
The 4 were not perfect, 3 were non-motile and only 1 was motile. Based on that, Dr. L said we would be ushered right into IVF, but that didn't surprise us. Well, it scares us but it doesn't surprise us. I cannot describe to you how it felt to be told this. We were in utter shock, I was crying my eyes out and C couldn't stop smiling. We are so glad that we didn't stop with Dr. Nut's or Dr. Insensitive's advice to adopt b/c C is sterile. I am so happy that I didn't ignore my instinct and traveled 500 miles to get another opinion. I am so grateful that God didn't turn His back on me and gave us this break.
As excited as we are, we also know that 4 does not equal a baby and that sperm doesn't equal a successful IVF cycle. But, 4 is so much more than 0. 4 is amazing. 4 is a miracle. 4 is hope.
November 3, 2009
Changes
I've talked about my younger sister before, about how AF made her appearance the day of her baby shower, completely ruining it for me. This was in May and when I went home for the birth in June, AF made her appearance again. AF is such a stupid biatch and this is why we are no longer on speaking terms. AF has been MIA ever since but what do I expect from that asshat? Anyway, my sister was in an abusive relationship with the father that ended very badly recently. So, she's coming to live with us. My 21 year old sister and her 4 month old are going to be living with us. The "us" that is in the middle of the total crap that is azoospermia. Should be interesting. My sister and my mom assure me that it is temporary and I know that it is an emergency situation, so we don't mind. I just hope that I can keep my IF bitterness hidden while she's here. I'd do anything to protect my niece and my sister so here they come.
We're heading home tomorrow for a few days. Our second opinion appointment is Friday and we are anxiously awaiting it. It's all I can think about, so much so that I've been having baby dreams every night lately. Last night it was the cutest little girl named Ava Grace, which isn't a name we've ever been interested in, but there she was, my spitting image and cute as a button. The dream ended badly but in it, I was a mommmy and C was a daddy and our daughter was the most precious thing in the world. I just *know* that we're going to be parents and I can't wait to meet our child.
I hope these dreams are an indication of potential good news on Friday. I hope, with everything in me, that C is able to father children one day. So much is hinging on this appointment that it scares me. I don't want to pin all my hopes on this doctor b/c I'm very aware that there might be nothing he can do. I should be more cautious with my heart but I just can't help but have hope. Hope, because little Ava Grace also had her daddy's nose.
We're heading home tomorrow for a few days. Our second opinion appointment is Friday and we are anxiously awaiting it. It's all I can think about, so much so that I've been having baby dreams every night lately. Last night it was the cutest little girl named Ava Grace, which isn't a name we've ever been interested in, but there she was, my spitting image and cute as a button. The dream ended badly but in it, I was a mommmy and C was a daddy and our daughter was the most precious thing in the world. I just *know* that we're going to be parents and I can't wait to meet our child.
I hope these dreams are an indication of potential good news on Friday. I hope, with everything in me, that C is able to father children one day. So much is hinging on this appointment that it scares me. I don't want to pin all my hopes on this doctor b/c I'm very aware that there might be nothing he can do. I should be more cautious with my heart but I just can't help but have hope. Hope, because little Ava Grace also had her daddy's nose.
October 23, 2009
What lies ahead
Once we knew that the biopsy was bad, I almost immediately began to think about the future. I began to think about donor sperm and adoption, I started making a mental list of pros and cons for both. At first, both were hard to accept as our reality but as the days went by, I started to accept it and threw myself into googling, reading and talking about both options to C. I felt led in one direction but decided, ultimately, I would leave the final decision to C. I wanted him to be the one who made the call, he had to be comfortable with it the most. We talked about both options but I never said which one I felt would be best, I was waiting on him. Finally, the other night, we talked about what I felt was right, where I felt God was leading me. Last night, C told me that he agreed. It was a very happy moment for us.
I am 100% excited and 100% scared/nervous/anxious to start down this path but I know in my heart that it is 100% the right choice for us. We are going to use donor sperm to build our family and we both look forward to this new adventure. We are still going to see Dr. L but we are being realistic at the same time. We have a lot to do before we can openly pursue this so we're aiming for donor-IUI in the Fall of 2010. I can't wait!
It's a part of life that some circumstances force you outside of your comfort zone and obviously, IF has definitely done just that for us. I was so against us going the donor route and even blogged about how I felt it wasn't for us, famous last words of a fool, huh? I had to get past the initial shock of C's azoospermia diagnosis before I could even think straight. But once the smoke cleared, and I took my head out of my ass, I was able to see that while biology is important to a degree, what mattered even more was that we had love to give. I'd give anything for there to be sperm, so would C, but I'd also give anything to be a parent, so would C. What it boiled down to was that how we built our family didn't matter, what mattered more was that we did and we will. We are going to be parents, great ones at that! We'll always grieve for what we lost and for what might have been but we are not going to let it define us anymore, or stop us. For the first time in a long time, we can see the light at the end of this tunnel and it feels so freeing. At last, we have hope again.
I am 100% excited and 100% scared/nervous/anxious to start down this path but I know in my heart that it is 100% the right choice for us. We are going to use donor sperm to build our family and we both look forward to this new adventure. We are still going to see Dr. L but we are being realistic at the same time. We have a lot to do before we can openly pursue this so we're aiming for donor-IUI in the Fall of 2010. I can't wait!
It's a part of life that some circumstances force you outside of your comfort zone and obviously, IF has definitely done just that for us. I was so against us going the donor route and even blogged about how I felt it wasn't for us, famous last words of a fool, huh? I had to get past the initial shock of C's azoospermia diagnosis before I could even think straight. But once the smoke cleared, and I took my head out of my ass, I was able to see that while biology is important to a degree, what mattered even more was that we had love to give. I'd give anything for there to be sperm, so would C, but I'd also give anything to be a parent, so would C. What it boiled down to was that how we built our family didn't matter, what mattered more was that we did and we will. We are going to be parents, great ones at that! We'll always grieve for what we lost and for what might have been but we are not going to let it define us anymore, or stop us. For the first time in a long time, we can see the light at the end of this tunnel and it feels so freeing. At last, we have hope again.
October 21, 2009
Hey ICLW!
This is my first time joining in on ICLW and I'm excited to participate! I'm Amanda, married to C for 3 years. We've been together since 1999 aka forever and have been TTC for 18 months. I have PCOS and C has azoospermia. We've known about the PCOS for 18 months but just recently found out about the azoospermia this past July. It was devastating to say the least and we're still struggling with the diagnosis, some days are good and some are bad. I'm just trying to not lose my mind and the blogging world has been a major part of that. We live in a rural area and feel like our small town doctor has taken us as far as he can. So, we're moving on to a big city doctor in Houston to get another opinion and to exhaust all our options. Headin' to the big city in the beginning of November, can't wait!
If the MFI guru can't help us, well, we're cross that bridge when we get to it. For now, we're holding on to hope and trying not to cry too much about C being spermless. Easier said then done, but isn't everything that sucks that way?
If the MFI guru can't help us, well, we're cross that bridge when we get to it. For now, we're holding on to hope and trying not to cry too much about C being spermless. Easier said then done, but isn't everything that sucks that way?
October 16, 2009
No change
I feel like I have gotten a lot accomplished lately. I "outted" myself on FB about our IF, we had our follow-up with Dr. Nuts and I scheduled our second opinion. Ok, maybe that isn't much but it sure felt like it!
Coming "out" on FB was amazing. I was super nervous to do so but once I did, this huge weight lifted off my shoulders and it felt so good. Not many people commented on the post but the ones that did, were supportive. I also received messages and emails from people with more supportive words. Most mentioned God to me and how this is His plan and how we should just adopt, I ignored them. I figure everyone deserves a free pass on stupidity and now that they have used theirs up, any future idiotic remarks will be met with my snark. It's been fun to update my status talking smack about IF and our doctors. It's liberating.
Our follow-up with Dr. Nuts was an epic disaster. That man actually made Dr. Insensitive seem tender. He announced to us that the results were, "terrible, just horrible and you should just adopt" and when we mentioned donor sperm he said, "Well, Mrs. Mqn, don't you have issues as well?" He told us that he understood we were frustrated, to which I replied that frustration isn't even reaching the tip of the iceberg of our feelings and that we were devastated. He laughed and told us that this isn't the worst thing that could happen. To this, I gave him the dirtiest look I could through the tears and told him a few choice words. I literally hate this man and wish heaps of badness on him.
We told him about our second opinion appointment and when we told him it was with Dr. L in Houston, he told us we picked the "male infertility guru". I was very happy about that but then Dr. Nuts gave us a laugh and said, "If he fixes you, let me know b/c I would be really interested in that." I walked out of the room and left the building. I was furious. Thankfully, we will never again have to see Dr. Nuts, unless I run into him at the store and I'm sure I'll be arrested if that happens. So, on we move to Dr. L and the stack of papers we have to now fill out before we see him. I'm not expecting a miracle, this appointment is for our peace of mind before we start gathering information about our other options. We have to cover all our bases and say that we did all we could. Although, a miracle would be awesome.
Still cry a lot, still feel like running away with C and still angry at the big guy upstairs. I'm just trying to not be so gloomy so that I can enjoy what is left of my favorite month. Oh man, so not looking forward to the holidays with this heaviness in my heart. IF, you are one big, stupid biatch.
P.S. we received the biopsy results on our 18 month TTC anniversary, how is that for irony?
Coming "out" on FB was amazing. I was super nervous to do so but once I did, this huge weight lifted off my shoulders and it felt so good. Not many people commented on the post but the ones that did, were supportive. I also received messages and emails from people with more supportive words. Most mentioned God to me and how this is His plan and how we should just adopt, I ignored them. I figure everyone deserves a free pass on stupidity and now that they have used theirs up, any future idiotic remarks will be met with my snark. It's been fun to update my status talking smack about IF and our doctors. It's liberating.
Our follow-up with Dr. Nuts was an epic disaster. That man actually made Dr. Insensitive seem tender. He announced to us that the results were, "terrible, just horrible and you should just adopt" and when we mentioned donor sperm he said, "Well, Mrs. Mqn, don't you have issues as well?" He told us that he understood we were frustrated, to which I replied that frustration isn't even reaching the tip of the iceberg of our feelings and that we were devastated. He laughed and told us that this isn't the worst thing that could happen. To this, I gave him the dirtiest look I could through the tears and told him a few choice words. I literally hate this man and wish heaps of badness on him.
We told him about our second opinion appointment and when we told him it was with Dr. L in Houston, he told us we picked the "male infertility guru". I was very happy about that but then Dr. Nuts gave us a laugh and said, "If he fixes you, let me know b/c I would be really interested in that." I walked out of the room and left the building. I was furious. Thankfully, we will never again have to see Dr. Nuts, unless I run into him at the store and I'm sure I'll be arrested if that happens. So, on we move to Dr. L and the stack of papers we have to now fill out before we see him. I'm not expecting a miracle, this appointment is for our peace of mind before we start gathering information about our other options. We have to cover all our bases and say that we did all we could. Although, a miracle would be awesome.
Still cry a lot, still feel like running away with C and still angry at the big guy upstairs. I'm just trying to not be so gloomy so that I can enjoy what is left of my favorite month. Oh man, so not looking forward to the holidays with this heaviness in my heart. IF, you are one big, stupid biatch.
P.S. we received the biopsy results on our 18 month TTC anniversary, how is that for irony?
October 14, 2009
Grief
There are brief moments where I forget, blissful moments of oblivion where I'm not a mess of emotions. But, of course, it never fails that the moment ends and the truth comes crashing down around me and I remember and it hurts. It just seems mind-boggling that someone as wonderful as him isn't producing sperm. I look at C and literally can't accept that he will never biologically father a child. He is the goofiest, funniest, most loving guy I know. He adores kids and they adore him. Babies stare at him, toddlers walk up to him wanting to play and parents are constantly apologizing as they fetch their child away from our booth, seats or carts at the store. We think it's cute and C always plays with them, talks to them, makes them laugh. I've known since I was a teenager that he would be the most amazing dad. I have always told people how much I wanted a little C. How can it be that I can't give my husband his child?
Everyone tells me that this is God's plan, that God doesn't give us more then we can handle and we should just trust God. I feel like screaming at these people, Really? God did this is us? God is causing us unspeakable pain? God's plan is for us to endure countless procedures, surgeries and piles of medical bills? God doesn't want C to father a child? This is God's doing? But, when I do voice this, people are quick to tell me to stop blaming God. I don't think I'm blaming God, I'm not blaming anyone, nobody "did" this to us, it just happened. I just don't think that this is God's doing and I don't think it's wrong of me to be mad at God right now. Maybe this makes no sense but it does to me and I don't feel bad for feeling this way either. We've been dealt a shitty hand and we're allowed to grieve.
That is what surprised me the most about IF, the grief. The grief, not the pain, that sticks with you. You grieve your fertility, your spouse’s fertility, your chance at starting a family the way most people do. There are times when the grief leaves you breathless. You wonder if you will ever be normal again, see pregnancy and babies in the way you did before IF. The grief is a constant, it’s always there, it’s just not always fresh. Not always the ruling emotion in your life. It makes me feel so tired knowing that this grief will be with me for the rest of my life. I don’t want to carry this burden forever but I know I will. IF leaves battle scars, you just can't see them.
Everyone tells me that this is God's plan, that God doesn't give us more then we can handle and we should just trust God. I feel like screaming at these people, Really? God did this is us? God is causing us unspeakable pain? God's plan is for us to endure countless procedures, surgeries and piles of medical bills? God doesn't want C to father a child? This is God's doing? But, when I do voice this, people are quick to tell me to stop blaming God. I don't think I'm blaming God, I'm not blaming anyone, nobody "did" this to us, it just happened. I just don't think that this is God's doing and I don't think it's wrong of me to be mad at God right now. Maybe this makes no sense but it does to me and I don't feel bad for feeling this way either. We've been dealt a shitty hand and we're allowed to grieve.
That is what surprised me the most about IF, the grief. The grief, not the pain, that sticks with you. You grieve your fertility, your spouse’s fertility, your chance at starting a family the way most people do. There are times when the grief leaves you breathless. You wonder if you will ever be normal again, see pregnancy and babies in the way you did before IF. The grief is a constant, it’s always there, it’s just not always fresh. Not always the ruling emotion in your life. It makes me feel so tired knowing that this grief will be with me for the rest of my life. I don’t want to carry this burden forever but I know I will. IF leaves battle scars, you just can't see them.
October 9, 2009
overflowing
October 7 started out so good. C was working from home, the weather was crisp and Fall-like, we were goofing off around the house and being so silly. Then his phone rang and our world came apart. No sperm. The last piece of my heart shattered and I sobbed. C didn't cry, he just held me and wiped away my tears. I became angry, so angry at the hand that has been dealt. But, mainly, I just felt numb, so empty. I just can't believe it, no sperm? How the hell is that possible? Who can I punch so that they feel as bad as I do?
All this time I had been saying that if the results were bad, we would take the rest of the year to process it and then decide our next step. Yeah, that flew out the window and I immediately began to think, talk and research our options. First up, a second opinion with a reproductive urologist in Houston. I am going to find the best one and make an appointment before the month is over. I have to exhaust our options and have all the answers. C agrees 1000% with me.
Once we have done that, then we are going to take time to build our savings account up again. It is seriously weak right now as a result of all the testing and doctors this year. Our insurance sucks and IUI/IVF will be completely OOP (out of pocket) for us. I imagine that will take up a great chunk of 2010 so we're also going to be using that time to grieve, if need be, and seek IF counseling. I imagine we will also be researching the hell out of our other options. Which are donor sperm and adoption, both lovely ways to build our family. I imagine we will attempt both, donor sperm first and in a few years, adoption. Even if we are able to find and fix C's azoo, adoption is still in our future.
So, there it is, our plan of attack. Not that it makes much of a difference to how I am feeling. The depression has set in, I was wondering when it would. I am so sad, I have so many questions and honestly, I am angry. Angry that this is happening to C, angry that this is our reality, angry that we live 8 hours from great medical care and really, just angry at the world. I want to get in my car and just drive. Drive away from the crushing pain and not think about this constantly. I wish I could grab C and run away. Go hide from the world and pretend that we aren't miserable.
I just feel so empty.
All this time I had been saying that if the results were bad, we would take the rest of the year to process it and then decide our next step. Yeah, that flew out the window and I immediately began to think, talk and research our options. First up, a second opinion with a reproductive urologist in Houston. I am going to find the best one and make an appointment before the month is over. I have to exhaust our options and have all the answers. C agrees 1000% with me.
Once we have done that, then we are going to take time to build our savings account up again. It is seriously weak right now as a result of all the testing and doctors this year. Our insurance sucks and IUI/IVF will be completely OOP (out of pocket) for us. I imagine that will take up a great chunk of 2010 so we're also going to be using that time to grieve, if need be, and seek IF counseling. I imagine we will also be researching the hell out of our other options. Which are donor sperm and adoption, both lovely ways to build our family. I imagine we will attempt both, donor sperm first and in a few years, adoption. Even if we are able to find and fix C's azoo, adoption is still in our future.
So, there it is, our plan of attack. Not that it makes much of a difference to how I am feeling. The depression has set in, I was wondering when it would. I am so sad, I have so many questions and honestly, I am angry. Angry that this is happening to C, angry that this is our reality, angry that we live 8 hours from great medical care and really, just angry at the world. I want to get in my car and just drive. Drive away from the crushing pain and not think about this constantly. I wish I could grab C and run away. Go hide from the world and pretend that we aren't miserable.
I just feel so empty.
October 6, 2009
Still no news
Me having patience=FAIL
So much for getting the results on Monday. I've called about a dozen times, played phone tag with the nurse and bitched out the receptionist, twice. All to be told that the results are still pending. I am losing my mind. I've been trying to keep my hyperactive, very impatient self busy and as a result, my house is sparkling, I've been spending 2 hours at the gym every morning and I'm sick of FB and Twitter. My DVR is empty and there is not a single piece of laundry left to do. If it wasn't raining, I'd be walking the dogs around the neighborhood.
I am hoping that pending means good news b/c they're analyzing something they actually found but in the back of my mind, I know that the lab is just probably backed up. Here's to another day of waiting tomorrow. ::sigh::
So much for getting the results on Monday. I've called about a dozen times, played phone tag with the nurse and bitched out the receptionist, twice. All to be told that the results are still pending. I am losing my mind. I've been trying to keep my hyperactive, very impatient self busy and as a result, my house is sparkling, I've been spending 2 hours at the gym every morning and I'm sick of FB and Twitter. My DVR is empty and there is not a single piece of laundry left to do. If it wasn't raining, I'd be walking the dogs around the neighborhood.
I am hoping that pending means good news b/c they're analyzing something they actually found but in the back of my mind, I know that the lab is just probably backed up. Here's to another day of waiting tomorrow. ::sigh::
September 10, 2009
Just Waiting
Exactly one week until C's biopsy. One week until the test that determines everything will be done. My emotions are a huge jumble and my mood swings are even annoying me. I am happy one minute and then crying my eyes out the next. I am anxious, worried, sad and most of all, scared. Scared out of my mind to find out the results. In my heart, I know that there won't be any presence of sperm. I just have a *feeling* about this and I know that biological children aren't in our future. Even with these feelings, I will still be completely devastated to have this confirmed. I am not sure how we will deal with that, how we will be able to move forward after learning that. I worry about the affect it will have on us individually and on our marriage. I worry about facing the holidays with the knowledge that we'll never experience pregnancy and childbirth. I'm scared about everything.
C and I are strong people, we have been through a lot and I used to think that we could take on the world and never flinch. Then IF entered our lives and now I just don't know anymore. I am scared to death that I will be bitter about IF until the day that I die. Even if we go on to give birth to 6 kids or adopt 9, I will carry around these scars from our IF battle for the rest of my life. It makes me so sad to think that IF will be this shadow over my life and that it will influence my thoughts forever. A constant presence that I will learn to live with. All of this swirls around my head and then I think about C having to live like this too and it makes me even more sad. I think it's time for us to get IF counseling and I'm in the process of finding someone, but it's hard because we live in a state where such things aren't common. Makes me miss living in TX so bad.
As depressing as this post is, it's not like we are walking around dressed all in black and crying nonstop. We are going about our life and trying to deal as best we can. C is finally coming home this weekend after being gone for 4 weeks and I am super excited to see him. I'm also fighting a losing battle against my urge to decorate for Halloween. So far, all I have allowed myself to do is burn Fall-scented candles and buy candy corn. No promises that I won't bust out pumpkins and witches next week though, especially if the weather cools down more. Moving to central AR from the Gulf Coast of TX gave us the opportunity to experience all 4 seasons and some of the trees are starting to turn yellow and red here! It's early but already it's looking so pretty outside, I can't wait to see the trees next month! I missed Fall here last year because I was in TX with my parents. (My Dad was in a coma from October 26-November 23 so I was there from October to January helping out.)
Tell me I'm not alone in fighting the Fall-decorating urge!
C and I are strong people, we have been through a lot and I used to think that we could take on the world and never flinch. Then IF entered our lives and now I just don't know anymore. I am scared to death that I will be bitter about IF until the day that I die. Even if we go on to give birth to 6 kids or adopt 9, I will carry around these scars from our IF battle for the rest of my life. It makes me so sad to think that IF will be this shadow over my life and that it will influence my thoughts forever. A constant presence that I will learn to live with. All of this swirls around my head and then I think about C having to live like this too and it makes me even more sad. I think it's time for us to get IF counseling and I'm in the process of finding someone, but it's hard because we live in a state where such things aren't common. Makes me miss living in TX so bad.
As depressing as this post is, it's not like we are walking around dressed all in black and crying nonstop. We are going about our life and trying to deal as best we can. C is finally coming home this weekend after being gone for 4 weeks and I am super excited to see him. I'm also fighting a losing battle against my urge to decorate for Halloween. So far, all I have allowed myself to do is burn Fall-scented candles and buy candy corn. No promises that I won't bust out pumpkins and witches next week though, especially if the weather cools down more. Moving to central AR from the Gulf Coast of TX gave us the opportunity to experience all 4 seasons and some of the trees are starting to turn yellow and red here! It's early but already it's looking so pretty outside, I can't wait to see the trees next month! I missed Fall here last year because I was in TX with my parents. (My Dad was in a coma from October 26-November 23 so I was there from October to January helping out.)
Tell me I'm not alone in fighting the Fall-decorating urge!
August 31, 2009
Support System
It's been six weeks since the world spun out of control. Six weeks of tears, anger, rage and questions. Will we ever be able to have biological children? Why isn't there any sperm? Where do we go from here? Are we strong enough to endure this hell? How is it that our life has become centered around sperm?! Six weeks to think about what this means and what our options are. We use to talk a lot about our future children and the things we would teach them, places we would take them and the life we wanted to experience with them. We don't talk about that anymore and we don't daydream about our future either. We are stuck because we just don't know enough at this point. I am super anxious for the 17th to get here so that our minds can be put to ease. I know that if it's bad news, we will grieve and be devastated but I also know that we will also be able to focus on the bigger picture. We will find a way to build our family, that much we do know.
I have been talking a lot about this with my best friends and my Mom. It makes me sad that they don't understand and they often end up saying hurtful things to me. My two best friends get exasperated with me because I am so depressed about not being able to have biological children. They tell me that adoption is the same thing and that at least I have that available to me. Why can't I just be happy about that? My Mom has morphed into a super cheerleader and is always telling me that miracles happen. She just doesn't believe that we won't have biological children and she thinks it's all a mistake. C is much too young and healthy to be sterile. When I start to get upset, she changes the subject so quickly that I just give up. I've explained to her, again and again, that I just need her to listen but she never does. It's incredibly frustrating to not be able to get the support I need from my loved ones.
There is only C that gives me the support I need and of course, that makes sense. Only he knows the agony we are experiencing, the right thing to say or not to say and when to hug me or when to walk away. I am glad we have each other to lean on, he keeps me sane. But it sure is lonely to have nobody else understand or at least be sympathetic enough. It hurts to be around anything pregnancy related, it hurts to walk by baby sections in stores and it hurts that I can't share my feelings without the fear of being judged. Infertility is a lonely road. My friends suck right now. Well, actually, my ovaries and C's testicles suck too.
I have been talking a lot about this with my best friends and my Mom. It makes me sad that they don't understand and they often end up saying hurtful things to me. My two best friends get exasperated with me because I am so depressed about not being able to have biological children. They tell me that adoption is the same thing and that at least I have that available to me. Why can't I just be happy about that? My Mom has morphed into a super cheerleader and is always telling me that miracles happen. She just doesn't believe that we won't have biological children and she thinks it's all a mistake. C is much too young and healthy to be sterile. When I start to get upset, she changes the subject so quickly that I just give up. I've explained to her, again and again, that I just need her to listen but she never does. It's incredibly frustrating to not be able to get the support I need from my loved ones.
There is only C that gives me the support I need and of course, that makes sense. Only he knows the agony we are experiencing, the right thing to say or not to say and when to hug me or when to walk away. I am glad we have each other to lean on, he keeps me sane. But it sure is lonely to have nobody else understand or at least be sympathetic enough. It hurts to be around anything pregnancy related, it hurts to walk by baby sections in stores and it hurts that I can't share my feelings without the fear of being judged. Infertility is a lonely road. My friends suck right now. Well, actually, my ovaries and C's testicles suck too.
August 19, 2009
two lost souls
There have now been three SAs and all of them zero. How much I now hate that number! Zero seems so cold and heartless, I never though that a number could shatter your dreams and cause you to sob uncontrollably. The only good news is that Dr. Nuts has ruled out the possibility of a tumor and the bad news is that the doctor is pushing us to adopt. That is a grand total of TWO doctors that have given up on us. They are pushing us to give up before we know anything, how the hell can they do that? It makes me so angry but mainly, it just makes me incredibly sad. What a horrible summer we have had and I am really looking forward to Fall.
Dr. Nuts recommended C have a testicular biopsy and a vasography, which is an x-ray of the vas deferens. We will know our future around September 17, which is both a huge relief and an extremely scary thought. Oddly enough, I am not freaking out over this and neither is C, at least not yet. We're just going to pray like crazy that there is evidence of sperm. Seriously, praying is now my favorite thing to do and it brings me such peace. It's nice to have something I can do that calms me down and allows me some peace.
I really need something like this now that C is in Oklahoma for a month. Ever since the azoo dx, I have been super clingy and needy. C is the only thing that can soothe me and I feel like such a loser admitting all of this. I promise I'm not as pathetic as it sounds, I'm not all up in C's kool-aid 24/7, I just have been leaning on him a tremendous amount lately. He's been the same with me and we've finally reached a level of comfort in talking about the azoo and it's effect on our life. I'm going to visit him in a couple of weeks and I can't wait!
As much faith as I have in God and prayer, I am anxious for these tests to be over. I am ready to know for sure rather or not we can have biological children because it's killing me to watch everyone around me get pregnant so easily. It's bad enough to be experiencing IF without adding to it this unknown phase of gathering information/testing. This blank wasteland where all we know is that no sperm has been present in ejaculation and we don't know if there is any at all. It's torture and I hate being stuck in the middle between hope and despair. Not knowing if I'll ever be able to experience pregnancy or childbirth. If I'll ever be able to watch C hold a newborn that looks so much like him or if we will ever gaze at our sleeping child, marveling over how much he or she looks like us. I hate not knowing and I'm tired of hurting.
Dr. Nuts recommended C have a testicular biopsy and a vasography, which is an x-ray of the vas deferens. We will know our future around September 17, which is both a huge relief and an extremely scary thought. Oddly enough, I am not freaking out over this and neither is C, at least not yet. We're just going to pray like crazy that there is evidence of sperm. Seriously, praying is now my favorite thing to do and it brings me such peace. It's nice to have something I can do that calms me down and allows me some peace.
I really need something like this now that C is in Oklahoma for a month. Ever since the azoo dx, I have been super clingy and needy. C is the only thing that can soothe me and I feel like such a loser admitting all of this. I promise I'm not as pathetic as it sounds, I'm not all up in C's kool-aid 24/7, I just have been leaning on him a tremendous amount lately. He's been the same with me and we've finally reached a level of comfort in talking about the azoo and it's effect on our life. I'm going to visit him in a couple of weeks and I can't wait!
As much faith as I have in God and prayer, I am anxious for these tests to be over. I am ready to know for sure rather or not we can have biological children because it's killing me to watch everyone around me get pregnant so easily. It's bad enough to be experiencing IF without adding to it this unknown phase of gathering information/testing. This blank wasteland where all we know is that no sperm has been present in ejaculation and we don't know if there is any at all. It's torture and I hate being stuck in the middle between hope and despair. Not knowing if I'll ever be able to experience pregnancy or childbirth. If I'll ever be able to watch C hold a newborn that looks so much like him or if we will ever gaze at our sleeping child, marveling over how much he or she looks like us. I hate not knowing and I'm tired of hurting.
July 31, 2009
Let's Hear it for the Boy[s]
Our appointment with Dr. Nuts was interesting, we liked him. I was able to be present for the entire appointment, which was fun during the physical exam. I'm impressed that I didn't start giggling like a 14 year old schoolboy or make any inappropriate jokes in front of Dr. Nuts. Yes, I do love crude humor and I know that I laugh at things that mainly teenage boys laugh at and my mind is in the gutter about 80% of the time, but isn't C a lucky man?! Usually he's right there with me, laughing his ass off but I was smart enough to wait on the jokes until the doctor left the room.
Dr. Nuts is astonished that a 26 year old healthy man had a zero SA. He thinks it must be a fluke and ordered two more SAs, one to be done this Monday and the other on the 10th. He also took a ton of blood and told us to expect the results by Monday. He went over the possible reasons for azoospermia and further testing. C told the doctor, "Let's do every test possible. I want to exhaust every option." aww, I love this man so much! C is taking all this in stride and is very optimistic about everything, I wish I could have his strength. I'm not as depressed anymore about it but I've been praying a lot so I think that is what is helping me. Plus, knowing that we have others praying for us helps a lot too.
Dr. Nuts did mention the possibility of a tumor on the pituitary gland, he said it would be benign but the thought alone freaks me out. I've googled and talked to my SIL, who is an RN, and I'm doubtful there is a tumor. Way to freak out the IF couple though Dr. Nuts! I am very anxious to get answers and to find out if there are any sperm, anywhere in C's testicles. I'm pretty impatient but now I have a real reason to push the doctors even more. We just found out that C will be leaving for 6 weeks to complete some training and he leaves in about two weeks. He'll only be three hours away but he has to stay there and it's in another state so it looks like everything will be put on hold until he returns. This makes me sad and very annoyed but C will get a pay raise when he returns, which will come in handy for either IVF or adoption costs.
I hate to put our TTC efforts on hold and all I can think is that it's becoming less and less likely that we will become parents in 2010, which was my hope. I really dread hitting that 2 year mark in April and not being pregnant. Oh man, why can't our journey to parenthood be just a little easier?
Dr. Nuts is astonished that a 26 year old healthy man had a zero SA. He thinks it must be a fluke and ordered two more SAs, one to be done this Monday and the other on the 10th. He also took a ton of blood and told us to expect the results by Monday. He went over the possible reasons for azoospermia and further testing. C told the doctor, "Let's do every test possible. I want to exhaust every option." aww, I love this man so much! C is taking all this in stride and is very optimistic about everything, I wish I could have his strength. I'm not as depressed anymore about it but I've been praying a lot so I think that is what is helping me. Plus, knowing that we have others praying for us helps a lot too.
Dr. Nuts did mention the possibility of a tumor on the pituitary gland, he said it would be benign but the thought alone freaks me out. I've googled and talked to my SIL, who is an RN, and I'm doubtful there is a tumor. Way to freak out the IF couple though Dr. Nuts! I am very anxious to get answers and to find out if there are any sperm, anywhere in C's testicles. I'm pretty impatient but now I have a real reason to push the doctors even more. We just found out that C will be leaving for 6 weeks to complete some training and he leaves in about two weeks. He'll only be three hours away but he has to stay there and it's in another state so it looks like everything will be put on hold until he returns. This makes me sad and very annoyed but C will get a pay raise when he returns, which will come in handy for either IVF or adoption costs.
I hate to put our TTC efforts on hold and all I can think is that it's becoming less and less likely that we will become parents in 2010, which was my hope. I really dread hitting that 2 year mark in April and not being pregnant. Oh man, why can't our journey to parenthood be just a little easier?
July 21, 2009
Hope Floats
Spent all weekend crying and feeling quite sorry for myself and C. He was OOT until Sunday afternoon and seeing him made all the difference! We've talked, and argued a bit, about all this crappy news and what to do next. C is refusing to be pessimistic about the zero SA, tells me that until they tell him there is no more tests, procedures or chances in hell, that he won't believe we can't conceive a child. He rarely talks about it or beings it up. He did turn to me earlier and ask me how I'd feel about him if there is nothing, ever. I hugged him and told him that as much as I want a baby with him, I also just plain want him, no matter what.
I've morphed into this bitter, crazy IF monster. I scowl at pregnant women, ignore people with babies and change the channel when anything baby related pops up on TV. And this is just since Friday! I've only been to Target, Wal-Mart and Hallmark, can you imagine the mega-bitch I can potentially turn into?! I was jerking my cart around at Target on Sunday, wanting someone to make me mad so I could go batshitcrazy on them. I'm going to the gym tomorrow and taking my feelings out on the treadmill. I'm sure it'll make me feel better.
C's optimism is contagious and I do feel hopeful. I have hope that we will be able to conceive a child but it's a struggle to not let the negativity take me over. I have moments where it hits me all over again and I just feel so depressed. All I want to do is make someone hurt as badly as I do. It helps that my HSG is scheduled for this Thursday and he has an appt with a urologist next Thursday. A follow-up SA will also be next week. I pray like mad that there is sperm, anywhere in his manly parts, that we can use for IUI or IVF. Seriously, praying is about the only thing I can do these past few days. It's even making me forget to be nervous about my HSG.
I've morphed into this bitter, crazy IF monster. I scowl at pregnant women, ignore people with babies and change the channel when anything baby related pops up on TV. And this is just since Friday! I've only been to Target, Wal-Mart and Hallmark, can you imagine the mega-bitch I can potentially turn into?! I was jerking my cart around at Target on Sunday, wanting someone to make me mad so I could go batshitcrazy on them. I'm going to the gym tomorrow and taking my feelings out on the treadmill. I'm sure it'll make me feel better.
C's optimism is contagious and I do feel hopeful. I have hope that we will be able to conceive a child but it's a struggle to not let the negativity take me over. I have moments where it hits me all over again and I just feel so depressed. All I want to do is make someone hurt as badly as I do. It helps that my HSG is scheduled for this Thursday and he has an appt with a urologist next Thursday. A follow-up SA will also be next week. I pray like mad that there is sperm, anywhere in his manly parts, that we can use for IUI or IVF. Seriously, praying is about the only thing I can do these past few days. It's even making me forget to be nervous about my HSG.
July 18, 2009
and then it all comes crashing down
Yesterday just might have been the worst day of my life. My doctor called and told me that the SA had zero sperm, she actually said, "Sorry but your husband is sterile." My world spun out of control and I cried for hours. C wasn't home, he is working OOT, but luckily a friend was here visiting so I wasn't alone. Calling and telling C was the most heartbreaking thing I have ever had to do. He took it all in stride and seems to be in denial. Demanding second and third opinions, which I'm actually demanding fourth and fifth opinions. I am still shocked but haven't cried all day, yet anyway. I just can't wait for C to get here so that we can hold each other and cry together.
We're going to do a follow-up SA and make an appt with a urologist. I'm also going to start seeing an RE, I'm too pissed at my gyno to continue seeing her. She actually implied that doing the HSG would be a waste of time, you know, since my husband is shooting blanks and all. I'm going to a vitamin store today and buying everything I can get my hands on for C. I've been googling like mad and my mind is loaded with all kinds of information that I wish I didn't have to deal with. I can't even express how devastated I feel, how it feels like all our baby dreams have gone up in smoke and how scared I am about what effect this will have on our marriage. I don't think I can stomach being around babies or pregnant women anymore.
Mainly, I keep thinking, "WHY?" Why in the hell is this happening to us? Why couldn't this just be IF on my part? Why C too? He's the nicest person I know, such a sweetheart and this is just all so wrong. I can't imagine what lies ahead for us now but, Lord do I hope it includes a baby.
We're going to do a follow-up SA and make an appt with a urologist. I'm also going to start seeing an RE, I'm too pissed at my gyno to continue seeing her. She actually implied that doing the HSG would be a waste of time, you know, since my husband is shooting blanks and all. I'm going to a vitamin store today and buying everything I can get my hands on for C. I've been googling like mad and my mind is loaded with all kinds of information that I wish I didn't have to deal with. I can't even express how devastated I feel, how it feels like all our baby dreams have gone up in smoke and how scared I am about what effect this will have on our marriage. I don't think I can stomach being around babies or pregnant women anymore.
Mainly, I keep thinking, "WHY?" Why in the hell is this happening to us? Why couldn't this just be IF on my part? Why C too? He's the nicest person I know, such a sweetheart and this is just all so wrong. I can't imagine what lies ahead for us now but, Lord do I hope it includes a baby.
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