There are brief moments where I forget, blissful moments of oblivion where I'm not a mess of emotions. But, of course, it never fails that the moment ends and the truth comes crashing down around me and I remember and it hurts. It just seems mind-boggling that someone as wonderful as him isn't producing sperm. I look at C and literally can't accept that he will never biologically father a child. He is the goofiest, funniest, most loving guy I know. He adores kids and they adore him. Babies stare at him, toddlers walk up to him wanting to play and parents are constantly apologizing as they fetch their child away from our booth, seats or carts at the store. We think it's cute and C always plays with them, talks to them, makes them laugh. I've known since I was a teenager that he would be the most amazing dad. I have always told people how much I wanted a little C. How can it be that I can't give my husband his child?
Everyone tells me that this is God's plan, that God doesn't give us more then we can handle and we should just trust God. I feel like screaming at these people, Really? God did this is us? God is causing us unspeakable pain? God's plan is for us to endure countless procedures, surgeries and piles of medical bills? God doesn't want C to father a child? This is God's doing? But, when I do voice this, people are quick to tell me to stop blaming God. I don't think I'm blaming God, I'm not blaming anyone, nobody "did" this to us, it just happened. I just don't think that this is God's doing and I don't think it's wrong of me to be mad at God right now. Maybe this makes no sense but it does to me and I don't feel bad for feeling this way either. We've been dealt a shitty hand and we're allowed to grieve.
That is what surprised me the most about IF, the grief. The grief, not the pain, that sticks with you. You grieve your fertility, your spouse’s fertility, your chance at starting a family the way most people do. There are times when the grief leaves you breathless. You wonder if you will ever be normal again, see pregnancy and babies in the way you did before IF. The grief is a constant, it’s always there, it’s just not always fresh. Not always the ruling emotion in your life. It makes me feel so tired knowing that this grief will be with me for the rest of my life. I don’t want to carry this burden forever but I know I will. IF leaves battle scars, you just can't see them.