October 9, 2009

overflowing

October 7 started out so good. C was working from home, the weather was crisp and Fall-like, we were goofing off around the house and being so silly. Then his phone rang and our world came apart. No sperm. The last piece of my heart shattered and I sobbed. C didn't cry, he just held me and wiped away my tears. I became angry, so angry at the hand that has been dealt. But, mainly, I just felt numb, so empty. I just can't believe it, no sperm? How the hell is that possible? Who can I punch so that they feel as bad as I do?

All this time I had been saying that if the results were bad, we would take the rest of the year to process it and then decide our next step. Yeah, that flew out the window and I immediately began to think, talk and research our options. First up, a second opinion with a reproductive urologist in Houston. I am going to find the best one and make an appointment before the month is over. I have to exhaust our options and have all the answers. C agrees 1000% with me.

Once we have done that, then we are going to take time to build our savings account up again. It is seriously weak right now as a result of all the testing and doctors this year. Our insurance sucks and IUI/IVF will be completely OOP (out of pocket) for us. I imagine that will take up a great chunk of 2010 so we're also going to be using that time to grieve, if need be, and seek IF counseling. I imagine we will also be researching the hell out of our other options. Which are donor sperm and adoption, both lovely ways to build our family. I imagine we will attempt both, donor sperm first and in a few years, adoption. Even if we are able to find and fix C's azoo, adoption is still in our future.

So, there it is, our plan of attack. Not that it makes much of a difference to how I am feeling. The depression has set in, I was wondering when it would. I am so sad, I have so many questions and honestly, I am angry. Angry that this is happening to C, angry that this is our reality, angry that we live 8 hours from great medical care and really, just angry at the world. I want to get in my car and just drive. Drive away from the crushing pain and not think about this constantly. I wish I could grab C and run away. Go hide from the world and pretend that we aren't miserable.

I just feel so empty.

4 comments:

  1. I'm so sorry for the bad news. I think you are doing the right thing - allowing yourself to feel all these emotions, sadness, anger, everything.

    Much love and wishes for peace and strength for you both.

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  2. I am so sorry for this bad news! I've been exactly where you are right now almost 3 years ago. . My husband has azoospermia, too. It is so unfair and makes no sense. My blog went PWP when we went with donor sperm, but if you are ever interested in reading you can e-mail me at somewhatordinary at gmail.com

    Hang in there!

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