and then it all comes crashing down

Yesterday just might have been the worst day of my life. My doctor called and told me that the SA had zero sperm, she actually said, "Sorry but your husband is sterile." My world spun out of control and I cried for hours. C wasn't home, he is working OOT, but luckily a friend was here visiting so I wasn't alone. Calling and telling C was the most heartbreaking thing I have ever had to do. He took it all in stride and seems to be in denial. Demanding second and third opinions, which I'm actually demanding fourth and fifth opinions. I am still shocked but haven't cried all day, yet anyway. I just can't wait for C to get here so that we can hold each other and cry together.

We're going to do a follow-up SA and make an appt with a urologist. I'm also going to start seeing an RE, I'm too pissed at my gyno to continue seeing her. She actually implied that doing the HSG would be a waste of time, you know, since my husband is shooting blanks and all. I'm going to a vitamin store today and buying everything I can get my hands on for C. I've been googling like mad and my mind is loaded with all kinds of information that I wish I didn't have to deal with. I can't even express how devastated I feel, how it feels like all our baby dreams have gone up in smoke and how scared I am about what effect this will have on our marriage. I don't think I can stomach being around babies or pregnant women anymore.

Mainly, I keep thinking, "WHY?" Why in the hell is this happening to us? Why couldn't this just be IF on my part? Why C too? He's the nicest person I know, such a sweetheart and this is just all so wrong. I can't imagine what lies ahead for us now but, Lord do I hope it includes a baby.