July 21, 2009

Hope Floats

Spent all weekend crying and feeling quite sorry for myself and C. He was OOT until Sunday afternoon and seeing him made all the difference! We've talked, and argued a bit, about all this crappy news and what to do next. C is refusing to be pessimistic about the zero SA, tells me that until they tell him there is no more tests, procedures or chances in hell, that he won't believe we can't conceive a child. He rarely talks about it or beings it up. He did turn to me earlier and ask me how I'd feel about him if there is nothing, ever. I hugged him and told him that as much as I want a baby with him, I also just plain want him, no matter what.

I've morphed into this bitter, crazy IF monster. I scowl at pregnant women, ignore people with babies and change the channel when anything baby related pops up on TV. And this is just since Friday! I've only been to Target, Wal-Mart and Hallmark, can you imagine the mega-bitch I can potentially turn into?! I was jerking my cart around at Target on Sunday, wanting someone to make me mad so I could go batshitcrazy on them. I'm going to the gym tomorrow and taking my feelings out on the treadmill. I'm sure it'll make me feel better.

C's optimism is contagious and I do feel hopeful. I have hope that we will be able to conceive a child but it's a struggle to not let the negativity take me over. I have moments where it hits me all over again and I just feel so depressed. All I want to do is make someone hurt as badly as I do. It helps that my HSG is scheduled for this Thursday and he has an appt with a urologist next Thursday. A follow-up SA will also be next week. I pray like mad that there is sperm, anywhere in his manly parts, that we can use for IUI or IVF. Seriously, praying is about the only thing I can do these past few days. It's even making me forget to be nervous about my HSG.


  1. I'm glad that you're feeling a bit better. Also, it's good that C is such a source of strength and support for you. Being angry is a normal reaction to IF. I feel just as angry as you do. Right before my ER I told my DH that I would like to pull out all the hair on any woman's head who was able to conceive without ART. You're in good company with how you feel. Hang in there!

  2. My husband asked me the same thing about how I would feel if we weren't able to have children together (he has an extremely low count). He also said that he was afraid I was going to leave him and go find someone else to father a child with.

    It's some of the worst news you can get and I hope you are able to find some answers and ways to help.

  3. Here from L&F. I'm sorry about the diagnosis. It definitely stinks. Anger and frustration is definitely a normal reaction, or, if not normal, you're in good company. :)

    Will be praying and hoping right along with you. Hope that the HSG and the doc appointment go well.

  4. I'm here from the LFCA as well. I'm so sorry you and C received this news - it's a road I've been down myself and the memory of receiving that news still hurts. Like Jendeis says, you are definitely in good company with the way you are feeling. You are definitely not alone! Also, I found my husband reacted much the same way and needed a lot of reassurance from me that I wanted him despite the results. Even though the menfolk don't talk about it very easily, it is a very hard thing for both of you to go through.

    I will pray for you that you both find the support you need and that there is good news coming your way soon.

  5. I came over from LFCA and am so sorry you're dealing with this news. I'll mention that I saw in your earlier post you mentioned IVF as an option (I know it's not for everyone), and FWIW, IVF can be used for men with, well, basically zero sperm + 1, and that even if the 1 isn't able to make its way out of the body unassisted (You may not be in a place where you want to read about successes, or other people's situations, but if you're still reading here's mine: I know this because I conceived my son this way using sperm surgically retrieved from my husband after his vasectomy reversal failed).

    I hope you'll get better news in the near future.