Spent all weekend crying and feeling quite sorry for myself and C. He was OOT until Sunday afternoon and seeing him made all the difference! We've talked, and argued a bit, about all this crappy news and what to do next. C is refusing to be pessimistic about the zero SA, tells me that until they tell him there is no more tests, procedures or chances in hell, that he won't believe we can't conceive a child. He rarely talks about it or beings it up. He did turn to me earlier and ask me how I'd feel about him if there is nothing, ever. I hugged him and told him that as much as I want a baby with him, I also just plain want him, no matter what.
I've morphed into this bitter, crazy IF monster. I scowl at pregnant women, ignore people with babies and change the channel when anything baby related pops up on TV. And this is just since Friday! I've only been to Target, Wal-Mart and Hallmark, can you imagine the mega-bitch I can potentially turn into?! I was jerking my cart around at Target on Sunday, wanting someone to make me mad so I could go batshitcrazy on them. I'm going to the gym tomorrow and taking my feelings out on the treadmill. I'm sure it'll make me feel better.
C's optimism is contagious and I do feel hopeful. I have hope that we will be able to conceive a child but it's a struggle to not let the negativity take me over. I have moments where it hits me all over again and I just feel so depressed. All I want to do is make someone hurt as badly as I do. It helps that my HSG is scheduled for this Thursday and he has an appt with a urologist next Thursday. A follow-up SA will also be next week. I pray like mad that there is sperm, anywhere in his manly parts, that we can use for IUI or IVF. Seriously, praying is about the only thing I can do these past few days. It's even making me forget to be nervous about my HSG.