July 23, 2009

Mixed Feelings

My HSG was this morning and I didn't sleep a wink last night. My mind was too busy swirling around with worse case scenarios and horrible outcomes. It didn't help that C was working OOT, he's in the oilfield and works long hours. Eventually I gave up on sleep and started googling azoospermia, my new favorite thing to do. Ugh, why am I torturing myself? Anyway, luckily my appt was at 8am and I was back home and in bed by 10! It was painful and very awkward but I'm glad we did it. Dr. Insensitive (my gyno) was there and while it comforting that it would be her staring at my lady parts, it was also hard because all I wanted to do was throat-punch her for telling me that my husband is sterile. They tell me that my uterus and tubes are "beautifully open" to which I replied, "Yay, now let's fix my husband!" Which caused Dr. Insensitive to raise her eyebrows and walk out the room. Bitch, that is why I have found an RE!

Thankfully there are a couple of options in AR for me and I'm waiting on the results of C's urologist appt to make my own with a RE. So much hinges on C's appt that it makes me want to vomit when I think about it. Carlos isn't handling it too well either. He gets really sad, especially at night but we were finally able to both cry about it. I have seen C cry maybe 5 times in the almost 10 years of our relationship and it made me so mad that IF is causing him so much pain too. When I called him with the all clear results of my HSG, he got really quiet and I knew that he was thinking, "wow it really is me" so I told him "but we don't even know if I ovulate on my own yet! it's not just you!" I laugh about that now because IF make us say the oddest things to each other now. Our conversations used to be about our weekend plans, plans for the house, travel, etc and now they are about SAs, PCOS, fertility meds and doctor appts. I wish this was all just a bad dream that I could wake up from.

We're headed to the coast of TX this weekend to spend some time with our families and I can't wait to put some distance between us and IF. We really need some time to forget and gear up for whatever the urologist finds or doesn't find next week. See? I just fought back the urge to vomit. Have I ever said how much I hate IF?


  1. I too hate how much IF seems to change things, even "ordinary" conversations. JD also cried when we first got the results from his SA. It just stinks.

    I'm hoping that you have a great time this weekend and are able to relax and have some fun.

  2. As hard as it is, it is so good that C is able to cry about this with you. It is so big and deserves to be cried about! For me, it was always way harder watching Manny try to be all brave and rational and stoic about it all - it made me feel crazy for falling apart and being upset.

    Hope your weekend is a good break for you both.

  3. Came across your blog, and relate to your husband as I am in the same situation. Tell him to keep his keep head up, there are a million things to do before you all lose hope. One really important thing is to try and find a urologist that specializes in fertility (reproductive urologist). Who you choose will make a world of difference. Good Luck. I find it easier to deal with everything by writing about it. My blog is Infertility and Me

  4. IF sucks! I hate how it's changed my DH's life and my life. I hope that you enjoy your weekend break!