Once we knew that the biopsy was bad, I almost immediately began to think about the future. I began to think about donor sperm and adoption, I started making a mental list of pros and cons for both. At first, both were hard to accept as our reality but as the days went by, I started to accept it and threw myself into googling, reading and talking about both options to C. I felt led in one direction but decided, ultimately, I would leave the final decision to C. I wanted him to be the one who made the call, he had to be comfortable with it the most. We talked about both options but I never said which one I felt would be best, I was waiting on him. Finally, the other night, we talked about what I felt was right, where I felt God was leading me. Last night, C told me that he agreed. It was a very happy moment for us.
I am 100% excited and 100% scared/nervous/anxious to start down this path but I know in my heart that it is 100% the right choice for us. We are going to use donor sperm to build our family and we both look forward to this new adventure. We are still going to see Dr. L but we are being realistic at the same time. We have a lot to do before we can openly pursue this so we're aiming for donor-IUI in the Fall of 2010. I can't wait!
It's a part of life that some circumstances force you outside of your comfort zone and obviously, IF has definitely done just that for us. I was so against us going the donor route and even blogged about how I felt it wasn't for us, famous last words of a fool, huh? I had to get past the initial shock of C's azoospermia diagnosis before I could even think straight. But once the smoke cleared, and I took my head out of my ass, I was able to see that while biology is important to a degree, what mattered even more was that we had love to give. I'd give anything for there to be sperm, so would C, but I'd also give anything to be a parent, so would C. What it boiled down to was that how we built our family didn't matter, what mattered more was that we did and we will. We are going to be parents, great ones at that! We'll always grieve for what we lost and for what might have been but we are not going to let it define us anymore, or stop us. For the first time in a long time, we can see the light at the end of this tunnel and it feels so freeing. At last, we have hope again.