Once we knew that the biopsy was bad, I almost immediately began to think about the future. I began to think about donor sperm and adoption, I started making a mental list of pros and cons for both. At first, both were hard to accept as our reality but as the days went by, I started to accept it and threw myself into googling, reading and talking about both options to C. I felt led in one direction but decided, ultimately, I would leave the final decision to C. I wanted him to be the one who made the call, he had to be comfortable with it the most. We talked about both options but I never said which one I felt would be best, I was waiting on him. Finally, the other night, we talked about what I felt was right, where I felt God was leading me. Last night, C told me that he agreed. It was a very happy moment for us.
I am 100% excited and 100% scared/nervous/anxious to start down this path but I know in my heart that it is 100% the right choice for us. We are going to use donor sperm to build our family and we both look forward to this new adventure. We are still going to see Dr. L but we are being realistic at the same time. We have a lot to do before we can openly pursue this so we're aiming for donor-IUI in the Fall of 2010. I can't wait!
It's a part of life that some circumstances force you outside of your comfort zone and obviously, IF has definitely done just that for us. I was so against us going the donor route and even blogged about how I felt it wasn't for us, famous last words of a fool, huh? I had to get past the initial shock of C's azoospermia diagnosis before I could even think straight. But once the smoke cleared, and I took my head out of my ass, I was able to see that while biology is important to a degree, what mattered even more was that we had love to give. I'd give anything for there to be sperm, so would C, but I'd also give anything to be a parent, so would C. What it boiled down to was that how we built our family didn't matter, what mattered more was that we did and we will. We are going to be parents, great ones at that! We'll always grieve for what we lost and for what might have been but we are not going to let it define us anymore, or stop us. For the first time in a long time, we can see the light at the end of this tunnel and it feels so freeing. At last, we have hope again.
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ReplyDeleteNot that we know of but then again, that is coming from our stupid Dr. Nuts. Wouldn't it be great if there were and this all began a moot point?
ReplyDeleteHere's to hoping your 2nd opinion Uro brings some better news. If you'd like to compare treatments/testing etc. (I think our Dh's were diagnosed right around the same time) please feel free to email at: notpregnantjust@gmail.com
ReplyDeleteCongratulations on this decision! I can say that making the decision to use donor sperm was the single best decision my husband and I ever made because it gave us our incredible little boy!
ReplyDeleteI can "hear" the excitement in your post :)
ReplyDeleteI want to thank you for this beautiful post. It has really inspired me. You know how when sometimes you read something, and you feel your eyes being opened??...Well, that is how I feel right now. I think that you are in a wonderful place. Just from reading this post, I can tell that you are going to be wonderful parents, and that you are going to love your children more than anything.
ReplyDeleteI can just feel your sense of calm coming from your post.
I can't wait to follow your story.
I'm thrilled that you both have hope again! That is one of the hugest hurdles when you're talking about building your family with the help of a third party. Hubby and I had to deal with that ourselves.
ReplyDeleteI do recommend another opinion or researching options (finding the explanation for azoospermia or boosting levels if at all possible) however, I agree that building your family is the end goal and if it takes donor sperm, then so be it. And congrats on making that decision! I can't wait to follow along with your story!
Thanks for visiting me!
ReplyDeleteMany hugs to you guys. I am glad you're excited to have a plan.
It's great that you and C have made a decision you feel so comfortable and excited about. My DH and I also came to the decision that we are comfortable with DS if treatment doesn't work for us. When my DH suggested it to me, I was horrified and felt such a sense of revulsion at the thought of carrying another man's baby, but he convinced me it would never be someone else's baby, just ours.
ReplyDeleteHere's hoping you and C get a great second opinion, with a great, quick treatment plan that means you get to have Cs bio baby, but know that at least you have made peace with your options and are actually excited by the idea. Here's to your baby, whatever ingredients it takes to make it.
Hi Amanda! Thanks for commenting on my blog! I'm so happy for you that you and your hubby made a decision and are moving forward! Hopefully you will be carrying a baby not to long from now. =)
ReplyDeleteICLW
I think you two are making a well-thought out and well-felt out decision. JD and I also sometimes experience grief on this journey for the children that we won't have, but we are excited to have a family in whatever manner the children come.
ReplyDeleteCongrats on choosing a path that you both feel good about! It does involve loss, and of course you're grieving that, but you're right that becoming parents is the most important part. Although we chose to adopt before going the donor route, it is something we've talked about a lot and which I do think we'll try if our efforts to conceive on our own continue not to work (we've been ttc for 3 yrs). Good luck with your next steps, and how exciting to have a timeframe in mind!
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you have found hope again. I know the times when my hope falters are my lowest. Good luck moving forward!
ReplyDeleteICLW
Having a plan is always empowering... Hang on to that hope!
ReplyDeleteICLW