August 19, 2009

two lost souls

There have now been three SAs and all of them zero. How much I now hate that number! Zero seems so cold and heartless, I never though that a number could shatter your dreams and cause you to sob uncontrollably. The only good news is that Dr. Nuts has ruled out the possibility of a tumor and the bad news is that the doctor is pushing us to adopt. That is a grand total of TWO doctors that have given up on us. They are pushing us to give up before we know anything, how the hell can they do that? It makes me so angry but mainly, it just makes me incredibly sad. What a horrible summer we have had and I am really looking forward to Fall.

Dr. Nuts recommended C have a testicular biopsy and a vasography, which is an x-ray of the vas deferens. We will know our future around September 17, which is both a huge relief and an extremely scary thought. Oddly enough, I am not freaking out over this and neither is C, at least not yet. We're just going to pray like crazy that there is evidence of sperm. Seriously, praying is now my favorite thing to do and it brings me such peace. It's nice to have something I can do that calms me down and allows me some peace.

I really need something like this now that C is in Oklahoma for a month. Ever since the azoo dx, I have been super clingy and needy. C is the only thing that can soothe me and I feel like such a loser admitting all of this. I promise I'm not as pathetic as it sounds, I'm not all up in C's kool-aid 24/7, I just have been leaning on him a tremendous amount lately. He's been the same with me and we've finally reached a level of comfort in talking about the azoo and it's effect on our life. I'm going to visit him in a couple of weeks and I can't wait!

As much faith as I have in God and prayer, I am anxious for these tests to be over. I am ready to know for sure rather or not we can have biological children because it's killing me to watch everyone around me get pregnant so easily. It's bad enough to be experiencing IF without adding to it this unknown phase of gathering information/testing. This blank wasteland where all we know is that no sperm has been present in ejaculation and we don't know if there is any at all. It's torture and I hate being stuck in the middle between hope and despair. Not knowing if I'll ever be able to experience pregnancy or childbirth. If I'll ever be able to watch C hold a newborn that looks so much like him or if we will ever gaze at our sleeping child, marveling over how much he or she looks like us. I hate not knowing and I'm tired of hurting.


  1. I'm so so sorry that you're going through this. You're in my thoughts and prayers.

  2. I'm so sorry! It's wonderful that you and your husband are able to talk about this, so that if there is a silver lining at all it can be a stronger relationship. You two seem to have gotten past the avoidance phase a little more quickly than we have :-)

    I hope you are able to find Drs that you like - don't let them push you into something you aren't ready for! Our RE didn't even bring up adoption until 2 SA, a hormone panel, the physical, and the genetic testing were in. Even then it was only as one of our options.

    I really hope you have good news after the biopsy! You and C are in my thoughts.