August 12, 2009

then comes the rain

I officially hate Dr. Insensitive and her nurse. I am never going back to see her and I am making an appointment with a RE very soon. I don't know, they are just too casual about this whole thing and seem so irritated with all my questions and concerns. That is the last thing I need in dealing with the hell that is IF. But, I finally have the results of the SA and it's still heartbreaking. No sperm and he produced less of a sample then the first time, that is the heartbreaking part. It wasn't easier to hear this time around and it was even harder to tell C this time then before. Tomorrow is his appointment with Dr. Nuts and I have a long list of questions for that doctor. We have one last SA and C is having a really hard time getting motivated. I know that is TMI but I'm being honest. He was so upset this morning and just couldn't do it, he was on the verge of tears. I feel terrible and I can't imagine how he must feel. Going to try again tonight, hopefully it works.

It is getting harder and harder to believe this is going to end in a biological child for us. In fact, I'm pretty sure that it's not in the cards for us. I just have a gut feeling. Some days, I am ok with thinking about this but then, there are those days that the mere thought drives me to tears. Days when I can't see anything baby related without that stab to my heart, when it's hard to get out of bed and face the world. I can feel the anger growing, how can it be that we are dealing with this? That anybody has to deal with this? How are incredibly stupid people blessed with fertility and we aren't? I try very hard to be rational about the whole thing, I pray and try to stay hopeful but it's increasingly harder to bury the pain, anger and faith-questioning.

When IF is in your life, you have good days and you have bad days. Today is a bad IF day. I know that a good day is on the horizon and that is what gets me through the bad. But, today I am just going to wallow in the badness and let myself feel crappy because I truly believe you must endure the pain to appreciate the joy.


  1. I'm so sorry that you're going through this. You're in my prayers and thoughts.

  2. I'm so sorry you're having such a rough day.

    Our uro is nowhere near as compassionate and caring as our RE (sucks that we have to deal with him anyway). It's so hard that something so important to us, feels like it's just another day at work for them.

    I hope you're able to find a very caring RE!

  3. I am so sorry. We also had some terrible experiences with uncaring, utterly insensitive urologists. Finding a good RE with experience in male-factor made such a difference for us.

    Offering up virtual hugs, my thoughts and prayers, and an ear to listen.

  4. It was only by sheer luck that we found someone who could deal with our male-factor issues but it's absolute hell to get through it all. I can relate and I know many others who can as well. Sending all the best to you and your husband as you find your own way on this path. Have faith. You WILL overcome.

  5. I'm so, so sorry for this loss. It is a loss, and do what you need to do to get through this.