then comes the rain

I officially hate Dr. Insensitive and her nurse. I am never going back to see her and I am making an appointment with a RE very soon. I don't know, they are just too casual about this whole thing and seem so irritated with all my questions and concerns. That is the last thing I need in dealing with the hell that is IF. But, I finally have the results of the SA and it's still heartbreaking. No sperm and he produced less of a sample then the first time, that is the heartbreaking part. It wasn't easier to hear this time around and it was even harder to tell C this time then before. Tomorrow is his appointment with Dr. Nuts and I have a long list of questions for that doctor. We have one last SA and C is having a really hard time getting motivated. I know that is TMI but I'm being honest. He was so upset this morning and just couldn't do it, he was on the verge of tears. I feel terrible and I can't imagine how he must feel. Going to try again tonight, hopefully it works.

It is getting harder and harder to believe this is going to end in a biological child for us. In fact, I'm pretty sure that it's not in the cards for us. I just have a gut feeling. Some days, I am ok with thinking about this but then, there are those days that the mere thought drives me to tears. Days when I can't see anything baby related without that stab to my heart, when it's hard to get out of bed and face the world. I can feel the anger growing, how can it be that we are dealing with this? That anybody has to deal with this? How are incredibly stupid people blessed with fertility and we aren't? I try very hard to be rational about the whole thing, I pray and try to stay hopeful but it's increasingly harder to bury the pain, anger and faith-questioning.

When IF is in your life, you have good days and you have bad days. Today is a bad IF day. I know that a good day is on the horizon and that is what gets me through the bad. But, today I am just going to wallow in the badness and let myself feel crappy because I truly believe you must endure the pain to appreciate the joy.