September 10, 2009

Just Waiting

Exactly one week until C's biopsy. One week until the test that determines everything will be done. My emotions are a huge jumble and my mood swings are even annoying me. I am happy one minute and then crying my eyes out the next. I am anxious, worried, sad and most of all, scared. Scared out of my mind to find out the results. In my heart, I know that there won't be any presence of sperm. I just have a *feeling* about this and I know that biological children aren't in our future. Even with these feelings, I will still be completely devastated to have this confirmed. I am not sure how we will deal with that, how we will be able to move forward after learning that. I worry about the affect it will have on us individually and on our marriage. I worry about facing the holidays with the knowledge that we'll never experience pregnancy and childbirth. I'm scared about everything.

C and I are strong people, we have been through a lot and I used to think that we could take on the world and never flinch. Then IF entered our lives and now I just don't know anymore. I am scared to death that I will be bitter about IF until the day that I die. Even if we go on to give birth to 6 kids or adopt 9, I will carry around these scars from our IF battle for the rest of my life. It makes me so sad to think that IF will be this shadow over my life and that it will influence my thoughts forever. A constant presence that I will learn to live with. All of this swirls around my head and then I think about C having to live like this too and it makes me even more sad. I think it's time for us to get IF counseling and I'm in the process of finding someone, but it's hard because we live in a state where such things aren't common. Makes me miss living in TX so bad.

As depressing as this post is, it's not like we are walking around dressed all in black and crying nonstop. We are going about our life and trying to deal as best we can. C is finally coming home this weekend after being gone for 4 weeks and I am super excited to see him. I'm also fighting a losing battle against my urge to decorate for Halloween. So far, all I have allowed myself to do is burn Fall-scented candles and buy candy corn. No promises that I won't bust out pumpkins and witches next week though, especially if the weather cools down more. Moving to central AR from the Gulf Coast of TX gave us the opportunity to experience all 4 seasons and some of the trees are starting to turn yellow and red here! It's early but already it's looking so pretty outside, I can't wait to see the trees next month! I missed Fall here last year because I was in TX with my parents. (My Dad was in a coma from October 26-November 23 so I was there from October to January helping out.)

Tell me I'm not alone in fighting the Fall-decorating urge!


  1. I can't say I know exactly how you feel because we're on slightly different time lines (our 2nd SA was 5 months ago), but this entry expresses so much of how I feel and my fears for next week. (Except you expressed it much better than I can.)

    You and your husband are in my thoughts.

  2. I hear you on the permanency of IF. It really does stink.

    So glad that C is coming home and that you'll be able to spend some nice time with him.

    It's really been feeling like Fall the last couple of days where I live. Cool weather and rain. Guess the summer's over. :)