October 12, 2013

1 year since he left me

The 10th officially marked a whole year since C walked out. Or, rather, a year since he called me and told me over the phone, like a coward. I can't stop remembering what was going on at this time last year; how I was feeling, what I was doing. There's actually not a lot I can remember, I was just so depressed. The first couple of months after he left are a big fog in my mind and I'm grateful to not really remember too much. I do know that I rarely got out of bed, I wasn't eating and I was crying so many tears that I'm surprised I didn't run out. I was also drinking, a lot. I'd crawl out of bed around 2pm, choke down some water and maybe a pickle or a carrot and then I'd sit under my covered patio, listening to sad country music and drinking. My family would come out periodically to check on me and friends would text but mainly I'd just drink and cry. I asked a lot of why questions and then I'd get so angry. I'd stumble into bed around 4am, too exhausted and drunk to process that I was crawling into our empty bed and do it all again the next day.

The fog starts to lift around Halloween last year, when I got hospitalized with double pneumonia. From November on, I can remember much more clearly. The writhing pain that coursed through my body at all times. The memories that wouldn't stop flooding my mind. The angry screaming phone calls between C and I. The way I couldn't stand to watch anything remotely sweet on tv or hear songs that weren't angry. It was such a dark, dark time and now I'm amazed that I made it through. I stand here, on the other side, and look back in amazement that I didn't lose my damn mind. And it feels like a lifetime ago that my world fell apart. I'm so very grateful to not be in that state of mind anymore.

A year ago, I thought this was just the most awful thing. I was so heartbroken and couldn't imagine my life without C. Now I see it all so differently. I'm living without the man I couldn't imagine being without and not only am I living, I'm thriving! I'm happy and my life is full of people who love me. I've learned so much about myself in this last year- my dreams, my hopes, my likes and dislikes, my idea of what I want out of life. The worst part about him leaving was breaking into a million pieces but the best part about him leaving was I got to put myself back together. I got to piece together the best version of myself and learn to love Amanda. I am so damn proud of myself for that.

I made it and I owe it to many things- my faith in God, my family, my friends, my dogs, music and even the Cowboy in a way. But, more importantly, I did it. I dealt with the pain every day and climbed back up from rock bottom. My life is exactly how it should be and I'm thankful every day for how it's played out because it showed me how strong I am.

This is the thought that keeps running through my mind: God is good, life is good but the best part, I am good.

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