December 4, 2012

Divorce

I've put off writing this post for two months now because the idea of it just broke my heart. C asked for a divorce in October and I very sadly and reluctantly agreed. It's been a very, very hard couple of months with lots of tears, fights and what the hell do I do now moments. The fog is just now starting to clear and I start counseling next week. I'm stronger every day and I've learned to just take it moment by moment.

C gave me multiple reasons and each one broke my heart more and more. I spent the first three weeks very drunk and then I caught double pneumonia and was hospitalized for four days. Then my old friends from high school descended and kicked my butt into gear. Everyone is just shocked, including our families and it's been hard on my family in particular. They feel like they lost another family member so soon after losing my Dad and it's been especially hard on our 8 year old nephew, who is very close to C. Christmas will no doubt be gloomy again this year and I feel terrible about it.

I don't want this but we already filed and it'll be finalized around Valentine's Day. I still love the idiot but I can't make him love me. All I can do is walk away and hope like hell God has a GREAT plan in store for me. If His plan includes C and I reconciling, awesome. But, if not, then I know something even better is in the future.

It hurts like nothing I've ever experienced, losing the one constant in my life since I was sixteen. He's such a different person now and it makes me feel sorry for him. I'd love to kick his ass, if I didn't still care so much.

So from an infertility blog to a woman getting destroyed by divorce blog, buckle up because it's going to be interesting dating again at 30 for the first time since I was a teenager. But, like always, hope still exists. Now it's just mine.

8 comments:

  1. I am so sorry to read this post. I got a huge pit in my stomach. Stay strong. Let your girls and family spoil you and love you through the holidays.

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  2. I'm really sorry to hear that - Thinking about you!

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  3. someone pointed me towards your blog. I am too in the process of getting a divorce. My husband moved out over the summer- we have not filed yet but since then I have sold my apt, moved, and started dating- such an insane time. Anyway, I just wanted to tell you that you are not alone. here for you....

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  4. Sorry to hear this, sending you strength. I am sure there are wonderful things in your future.

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  5. So sorry to hear this. I know the universe has a plan, and someday you will understand why.

    Sending you warm thoughts, hugs and strength!

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  6. Oh My Friend, I am so sorry to read this. I can only imagine what you have been through. I am sending you lots of love and strength to get through this very difficult time.

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  7. Oh I'm so sorry to read this. Please let me know if I can help or just lend an ear since I've been there.

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