November 7, 2011

Dear Dad

Dear Dad,

I still can't believe you're dying, it just makes no sense to me. There's little doubt looking at you that something is going on, you are 106 lbs and often bundled up because you are always cold but I still have a hard time understanding that this is it. I despise the hospice nurses, although Abel isn't too bad. He always shakes your hand and is so nice to you. Nurse Mary is a down right bitch and I look forward to being able to tell her to fuck off. You hate her too and basically ignore her when she's here, being all loud and rude. Right now I am sitting across from you in the living room as you doze. I keep stealing glances at you to ensure you are still breathing and I feel my heart lurch when you take too long.

We celebrated Thanksgiving yesterday and seeing you so happy made me so happy. You didn't eat much but you still tried. Grandma made her famous stuffing that you adore and Aunt B made your favorite banana cream pudding. Your six sisters fawned all over you and annoyed the hell out of me, as usual. You got tired fast and we made everyone leave so you could nap. None of us mentioned that we were doing this now, just in case you leave us soon. In fact, all mention of your funeral has stopped. We were talking about it a lot but now none of us want to talk about it anymore. C and I went to the funeral home you said you preferred and got a quote. I almost threw up walking in and just wanted to get the hell out of there. Did you know funerals cost around $9,000? I didn't either. You are so worth every penny, I am just thankful that I can dip into our IVF fund to do this for you. Thankful and a tad panicked because holy cow that is a shit ton of money. But, you know, I'd spend triple that just to keep you here.

I wish I could change all this, keep you healthy and safe and here. I want so badly to see that grin on your face when I tell you C and I are going to have a baby. I want so badly to see you cuddle my child and spoil him or her rotten. I want to so badly to dance with you one more time to our song, "Amanda" by Waylon Jennings. I wish I had taken you to Alaska and Cancun, like you wanted. Or even to Luckenbach like I said I would. I'm sorry that I never did, life got in the way, which I know is a piss poor excuse, no matter how true it is.

Do you know that I think you are so handsome? Do you know that you are the true heart of our family? Do you know just how grateful I am to have your sense of adventure and your love of travel? I even have your crude sense of humor and bluntness that borders on rudeness. I love when people tell me how much like you I am. Do you know just how damn proud I am to be your daughter?

love you...more than I can explain


  1. Just letting you know that this is beautiful and we are all abiding here with you at this difficult time. Tears flow already. My heart goes out to you and your whole family.

  2. Amanda, I cried while I was reading this. You, your father, and your family continue to be in my thoughts and prayers. I am so so sorry that you are going through this.