December 28, 2011

stages of grief

It took three weeks to hit me that he's really gone. Up until then, I'd see his picture and my stomach would clench and the first thought in my mind would be that it's impossible, there's no way he's really gone. I kept asking C why it didn't seem real to me. I mean, he died in front of my eyes, I saw him in his coffin and watched him be buried...but it still hadn't sunk in. I finally realized I was in denial and when I woke up Friday, exactly three weeks later, it hit me. I've been a zombie since, crying a lot more and very withdrawn from the world. I keep my phone on silence, ignore texts, avoid FB and twitter and don't really leave my house. I'm a hermit that cries at the oddest moments and I never can predict what will set me off.

I saw my primary care doctor last week and he prescribed me Am.bien and told me what I'm going through is totally normal so he left my dosage of anti-depressants alone. I had high hopes for the Am.bien but it doesn't seem to be working, I still can't sleep and have horrible nightmares when I finally do. Accepting this shit isn't doing me any better than the denial was. But at least I know I'm grieving "normally", I even googled it just to be sure. C keeps reassuring me that I am normal too, man do I love that man. He's strong for me so that I don't have to be and doesn't bat an eye that the house is a mess and I don't cook anymore (I'd kick his ass if he did, btw)

We went home for Christmas and it wasn't as bad as I feared it would be, although it was very close. I mainly stayed with my family and never did the gift exchange with my ILs, couldn't bear it. Christmas morning one of my aunts on my Mom's side had a stroke so that just added to the general shitfest that 2011 has been. Can't wait to get this year behind me for good. Her prognosis is still very touchy, I pray and pray she recovers. Can't lose her and can't bear another death.

I miss my Dad so much it hurts to breathe. I feel his absence is every damn moment but I also feel his love and that my friends, gets me through this. One day at a time, one awful hour to the next.

[thank you with all my heart for the thoughts and prayers throughout this whole ordeal and for reading along, means the world to me]

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