February 9, 2015


Ever since turning 30, my mindset has changed so much. I have no fucks to give about the things that use to upset me, and honestly, most things in general. I turned 32 a couple of weeks ago and it didn't bother me like previous birthdays have. I can feel that this year will be pivotal for me and I'm ready for some changes. So, bring it on 32, I'm more than ready!

I decided that my theme for this year is change. And I guess the old adage "the more things change, the more they stay the same" is either trying to make a mockery of my theme or trying to teach me a lesson. Because no matter how much I'm determined to make changes, they are either very slow coming and sitting right outside my grasp or just not going to change in the sense I would like them to, which is frustrating and discouraging.

Example 1: I've decided that XH and I just do not need contact. I don't hate him or wish ill-will on him, I simply just don't want his energy in my space. He has moments where he's a normal person and then it's right back to spewing hurt and hate. Which I've explained to him countless times is useless at this point because I am over it all. But, he's still trying to hurt me for reasons that are beyond me. So, I don't respond texts that are about anything but the house or car (which are the two reasons we have to communicate at all) and to those texts, I respond with a simple yes or no. But, then he'll call or worse, stop by the house. He stayed an hour last week, he had stopped by to pick up a tax paper and then just started chatting.

And I can't lie, I chatted too. But he made it so awkward and kept bringing up old inside jokes between us. My sister was on the porch with us and every time he would do that, she'd give me this confused WTF look. WTF indeed. He hugged me before he left, which was odd too because there is no touching between us. I was relieved when he left but it was also good to chat with the old C, the one I knew before our marriage went to shit.

Being divorced isn't something I think about too much anymore, it's just something that happened in my life. But, sometimes, very rarely, being divorced from him throws me for a loop. There is no doubt divorcing was the best thing for me, I am happy now and fulfilled in ways that I just wasn't before, in ways that I didn't even realize I needed/wanted until now. But, it just still can seem weird. I guess being with someone for 13 years can be a mindfuck to deal with after it's over.

Anyway, on to example 2: there are issues popping up in my relationship with M. Issues that I really need to decide if they're deal-breakers or not. I really didn't plan on falling in love, it wasn't on my radar when I met him. But, damn, do I love this man. So what's the problem then? Marriage, kids, the future. We seem to want different things and at conflicting times. He's 35 and feels the urgency more than I do at 32.

So, this is where I'm at currently. We'll see what changes are made this year, it should be interesting.

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