The IF emotional roller coaster has left me drained, totally worn out and scared out of my mind. I can't believe that there is actually hope. The past 4 months have all been about accepting C would never father a child and now, suddenly, we're staring at four little swimmers. I'm terrified that we will never find another and that nothing will ever work for us. We're about to throw ourselves into everything that is IVF and what if the outcome isn't good? How the hell would be pick ourselves up from that? Where would we go from there? I can't imagine how we will mentally prepare ourselves for this new journey, especially since we had just accepted that donor sperm was our journey. Who knows? It might still be, we won't know for quite some time.
Amid all the questions and fears, there are some things that I just simply know. I know how deep my desire is to have a child, to experience pregnancy and childbirth and to not feel like I am "missing out" on one of the greatest experiences a woman can have. I just feel this from the bottom of my heart and I always have. I'm meant to be a mom and C is meant to be a dad. This much I know. It's just that shifting gears from donor IUI to IVF with C's sperm is mind-blowing in a way that I can't explain. I want to cry when I think about a baby with C's nose or light colored hair, a baby that looks so much like C I'll want to cry every time I look at him or her b/c I know that it's a miracle. A child that will be half me and half him, something we were told wasn't possible. A child that I have dreamed about, prayed for and fantasized about for years, now they tell me is possible.
Don't they see how dangerous it is to tell me that? Don't they see my heart, C's heart, is on the line here? A child we had accepted wasn't going to happen, just might. But, what if it doesn't? Don't they see how utterly devastating it will be to us? It just seems cruel to dangle hope in our face, just for it to be snatched away in the end. This is my greatest fear. My greatest wish is that I am eating my words next year as I cuddle our child and wonder how I ever doubted our doctors.