The fear is creeping in. Now that we have sorted out the issues with our insurance people and nailed down specifics with Dr. L's office, I am left with nothing to do but wait for the surgery. The surgery that is now taking on a bigger then life presence in our life, or my life, since C is annoyingly optimistic and ok with everything. I just can't be optimistic about it, not after last time. I was hopeful about the first two SAs, the biopsy and our last appointment and was dead wrong every time. Being wrong hurts too much to be expecting anything good from this surgery. I mean, I'm hopeful that C will be fine and that the varicocele repair will be successful but I'm doubtful that there will be results in our SAs.
I went over all the paperwork from Dr. L and C is having three different procedures done- a right scrotal exploration, a bilateral varicocele repair and a vasovasostomy. Dr. L suspects that Dr. Nuts did damage to C's vas deferens and caused a blockage. (I'd like to throat punch Dr. Nuts and kick him in his nuts and if Dr. L confirms these suspicions, I will have a hard time actually not doing this to Dr. Nuts.) I am terrified that the damage will not be fixable. I am terrified that our hopes will soar after the surgery just to come crashing down after our SAs. I am terrified that I will never be able to get pregnant by C and have his baby. That is my greatest fear. You would think since we already lived through that fear and were told it would never happen, I wouldn't feel this way but Dr. L gave us hope. Hope that I have clung to, hope that has helped keep me sane and away from the edge of depression.
I am so scared to have that hope yanked away from us, again.