January 18, 2010

the fear

The fear is creeping in. Now that we have sorted out the issues with our insurance people and nailed down specifics with Dr. L's office, I am left with nothing to do but wait for the surgery. The surgery that is now taking on a bigger then life presence in our life, or my life, since C is annoyingly optimistic and ok with everything. I just can't be optimistic about it, not after last time. I was hopeful about the first two SAs, the biopsy and our last appointment and was dead wrong every time. Being wrong hurts too much to be expecting anything good from this surgery. I mean, I'm hopeful that C will be fine and that the varicocele repair will be successful but I'm doubtful that there will be results in our SAs.

I went over all the paperwork from Dr. L and C is having three different procedures done- a right scrotal exploration, a bilateral varicocele repair and a vasovasostomy. Dr. L suspects that Dr. Nuts did damage to C's vas deferens and caused a blockage. (I'd like to throat punch Dr. Nuts and kick him in his nuts and if Dr. L confirms these suspicions, I will have a hard time actually not doing this to Dr. Nuts.) I am terrified that the damage will not be fixable. I am terrified that our hopes will soar after the surgery just to come crashing down after our SAs. I am terrified that I will never be able to get pregnant by C and have his baby. That is my greatest fear. You would think since we already lived through that fear and were told it would never happen, I wouldn't feel this way but Dr. L gave us hope. Hope that I have clung to, hope that has helped keep me sane and away from the edge of depression.

I am so scared to have that hope yanked away from us, again.


  1. Oh hun.. I'm so sorry. I know the feeling of expecting the worst, so you don't have far to fall.
    I'm keeping my fingers crossed that the surgery(s) will be a success.
    This stuff is so scary.
    Not kidding, Dr. Nuts needs a strongly worded letter or more if he caused this damage.

  2. I am sorry that this is all so hard. I know what you mean about not wanting to hope. If it is too hard for you to hope, then that is okay. I think you need to do whatever you can, and if that means only having a slight miniscule amount of hope, or no amount of hope, then that is okay.

    I am praying for the best for you guys. I will have hope for you, okay?

  3. That ol' b!tch hope! It's so hard when every time we get our hopes up they seem to be dashed. Hang in there, do what you can to remain sane through this trying time and try to handle each hurdle as it actually appears in front of you (I know - so much easier said than done). I wish we could meet and I could hold your hand while C goes through his surgery, just to give you a little extra strength to get to the other side.

  4. You're in my thoughts and prayers. I'm praying that everything goes well.

  5. My husband(infertility-and-me) and me gave up on hope a long time ago. We were hurting way too much and couldn't keep doing that to ourselves. Now we expect the worse and that gives us time to be at peace with the outcomes and the bad answers. And if there is any good news at all it will be like we hit the lottery!!

  6. Amanda,
    I'll be making my blog, My IVF Journey, private after 1/28/10. If you would like to continue following my blog, please email me at suzannesteward69@yahoo.com, so I can send you an invitation. Thanks so much.

  7. Michelle- I am thinking along those lines with Dr. Nuts too.

    Noelle- thanks sweetie, that really means a lot to me!

    mommyinwaiting- I wish that too!