I’m going to be honest; IVF was a hard pill for me to swallow. Or maybe, it’s not the IVF but the idea of passing along IF to my son that left such a bitter taste in my mouth. Or maybe it’s both or maybe it’s all of that mixed in with my feelings about IF. I don’t know, my feelings were too jumbled and confused to make sense of them. I was just having a hard time with it. And, I know, there are worse things to be tossing around in my head, the situation could be worse. I really don’t have THAT much to bitch about. But, and there’s always a but, I couldn't shake these feelings. It was all really messing with my head. I was scared and sad that this is it for us, the only option for us to have each other’s child. There will never be a child we create by making love, it will never be that simple for us. That innocence is gone. We won't even be there when our child is conceived, isn't that so mind-blowing?
However, IVF wasn't the real issue for me, the real problem was IF. Confronting it and accepting it, something I hadn't done. There was no need until now, before we were wrapped up in all the testing, questioning and wondering aspect. Now we have a diagnosis, a name for our problem and I can't hide from it. It's there, it's real, it's total crap. I am still amazed that C has a genetic birth defect, WTF? I mean, how does that make any sense? Azoo is the cruelest blow to a man.
I suspect that IF will always shadow my life and that makes me sad too. I'm worried that I will always feel that sting of jealousy and regret when I hear about someone expecting a baby. I know I will always marvel at the people in my life who conceive naturally. I’m also afraid that I will always be sad that we couldn’t do that. No matter how long we try, no matter how many tricks we attempt, nothing but doctors will ever help us create life.
In the midst of all this confusion, one thing remains the same- my dream of being a mom. I never expected such a battle to have this dream realized, who could or rather, who would? Sure, the circumstances surrounding the creation of our family is nothing like I pictured, but really, what does that matter? In the end, all that will matter is that we emerge on the other side. All that matters is that we win this battle, it doesn’t matter HOW we win, just that we do and we will. We will take on IVF and laugh in the face of IF. I will hold my child, who I am convinced will have C's small head and crazy laugh. I will be a mom and he will be a dad.
I will send a picture of us with our child to Dr. Nuts and Dr. Insensitive with the following caption: Yes, you were right. It took a miracle and that miracle came in the form of FAR better doctors than you.