January 31, 2010


I just want off this roller coaster. No more, I just can't keep having hope and then having it yanked away from me. I'm tired of bad news and doctor appointments, of arguing with C about which direction we should go and of feeling so damn depressed. I'm ready to not constantly think about IF, I want it to not be the focus of my life.

Rationally, I know this is all impossible. We have decisions to make and plans to finalize. After many tears, talks and praying, we've decided to take on IVF. We have also decided against PGD and are still discussing ordering DS as back up. These were not easy decisions to make and I still am worried about the consequences of our choices but what it came down to was C. C told me even if the chance of success was .001%, he had to take it. He wants a biological child and is going to give it his all.

He is right. We want a child and even though IVF scares the hell out of me, we are going to try. We know that we are going to face a lot of criticism from people for doing IVF, for not doing PGD and for basically every decision we made but it's our decision and the one we are most comfortable with.

I just pray that it all works out.


  1. Congrats on moving forward with IVF. I am waiting for my appointment March 11!!

    The best decision is the one you maade together. I hate when people think that they know you or your situation.

    I looking forward to reading about your journey!

  2. I agree with Beckie - the best decision is the one you made together (Beckie I hope you don't mind me borrowing your words, I couldn't have said it better!)

    Thinking of you and wishing all sorts of luck with IVF.

  3. I can identify with much of what you've written here. Though we are still in the stages of trying to figure out whether we'll do more dIUI's or IVF with Brian, with donor for back up.

    Congratulations on making a decision. I agree with the other girls as well. There really isn't a wrong decision. And I can't imagine you getting too much negative feed back. everyone's situation is so different.

    Best wishes.

  4. GL going forward with IVF. It sounds like you two have talked it through and made a decision that's right for you. ((hugs))

  5. You know...don't even worry what other ppl think. You two are doing what is best for you. That is what is important. For those that want family, who doesn't ultimately want a biological child? I sure do, and I would do anything possible to make that happen. Good luck to you and I wish you both the best on this journey!!!!!

  6. Please don't worry, IVF is not that scary.I've been through it once already. If you have any questions about the process, please feel free to ask me. As far as getting negative feedback goes, well I did get some of that and now I am much more careful about who I confide in. Trust me - if other people were in our shoes and only had IVF as an option they would change their tune very quickly! I'm glad that you and C have come to a decision.

  7. the only bit of advice i would have is to definitly get the donor backup. I went through the first cycle with just the hopes of them finding sperm from my husbands biopsy. we ended up canceling because they didn't find any. It's a lot to put your body through just to see it go no where. But I do have to say that you have to be going into this being 100% comfortable using donor. If you are not there yet I would definitly take the time to come to terms that this might be the outcome. I wish you two all the luck in the world!

    we are currently awaiting the start of our next ivf with donor backup!

  8. Sending good IVF vibes your way. I'm scared myself if we go the route of IVF. All the needles, the drugs... it just scares me. But, it is what it is.

  9. I think that this is very exciting. I think that moving forward is going to help put your mind at ease. Who cares what anyone else says? You two have made the decision, and that is what matters. You two are the ones who are going to bring a child/children into the world-not the naysayers.

    Congratulations on your decision!

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