I've attempted this blog a dozen times this past week but each time I sat down, the words just escaped me. I had no clue what to write about an upcoming "anniversary", our 2 years of TTC one. Not exactly one that C can go out and buy a card for. One that I would gladly skip. But, there it is, staring at me from the calendar and there is nothing I can do about it.
I remember our decision to start trying, we had just been preapproved for a house and I had just been diagnosed with PCOS. We took both of these to be signs to hop on it and eagerly began daydreaming about our child. My baby fever boiled over and I was soon googling cribs, bedding and strollers. I bought a baby name book and a pregnancy guide, both of which I skimmed almost nightly. I started buying onesies and tiny socks and hanging them in the spare closet. When we found our home, I immediately declared the sunniest room in the house to be our baby's room.
I can't believe it's been 2 years. 2 years and nothing to show for it but scars on our bodies and hearts. The onesies have been hidden deep in my closet, the books given away and the sunny room is used for storage. We keep that door shut. We go about our lives, make plans and pay bills and deal with the hand that has been dealt. Most days are fine but those bad IF days can be killers. The days when my heart just screams over and over what is missing. Days when I want to gouge out the eyes of every doctor who has told us it's not going to happen, days where babies on TV send a zap of pain through my body. Oh those days...
One of those days is usually Easter, C always works and I am here alone, wishing I had a kid to take hunting for eggs. This year my parents and younger brother are coming up for a visit, they will be a good distraction from my empty uterus. Then, three days after Easter, it'll officially be 2 years. I'll be conscious of it all day but I'm not going to let it win, I'll be too busy living my life for that. I'm going shopping, getting a pedicure and having dinner with a good friend, where many margaritas will be consumed. I'm sure a few tears will show up but that's ok. I have so much to look forward to for them to get me depressed. I have an IVF to plan and a baby to dream about.
(Hop over to congratulate Kenny at Infertility and Me for his recent amazing news. Kenny and Jess are expecting a baby after kicking azoo's ass!!)