April 29, 2010

What if?

I've been honoring National Infertility Awareness Week with a different FB status every day. I've been telling FB about what infertility is, how much IUI and IVF cost and how many states provide coverage. The feedback has been interesting, most haven't commented but a few have with positive comments. I'm sure I am annoying people but I don't care, we need more IF awareness so I am delighted to take part in Bloggers Unite: Project IF and answer my What If? question. But, since I have so many, I'm just going to list them:

* What if I never know how C truly feels about his azoospermia and how it has affected him?

* What if there is no sperm the day of the biopsy for our IVF?

* What if my eggs are horrible?

* What if the embryos fail to grow?

* What if I miscarry?

* What if I never get to be called "Mom" or hear C be called "Dad"?

The "what ifs" keep me awake at night. They drive me to tears and have me begging God they don't come true. The "what ifs" started to rule my life and almost drove me crazy. IF was all I talked about, thought about, obsessed about and read about. A couple of days ago, I asked C what IF has done to our marriage and he quickly answered with, "It's all we are now." It made me so sad and I realized that I can't let the "what ifs" rule me anymore. I have to take my life back, our lives back. I know I can't go back to being who I was before IF entered our lives, I'm not that same person anymore. But I can learn to live with IF and adjust to the changes it has brought to us. I can start being a normal person again, just a new kind of normal than before. I can let IF run my life or I can live my life, it's up to me.

These revelations got me thinking about this break we are on and brought up the most shocking "what if" yet, What if this break is the best thing for us? Last year was spent in tears and doctor offices. From January to June, it was a monthly race to my period and from July to December, azoo ran our lives. It was a truly awful year for us. We didn't go on vacation, spend a day hiking a local mountain, go anywhere but Houston or not talk about IF for a whole day, it was all doctors, surgeries, research and IF. We simply can't go on like that anymore, we're all out of steam. As much as this break sucks and as devastated as we are, this is the best thing for us right now. A nice mental break to save more money and pay off debt. I have no doubt that by early next year, we are going to be all geared up for our first, and hopefully only, IVF.

The past few days have been mentally exhausting but I feel a peace that has been missing for quite some time. We both do, it's amazing. I'm going back to school so I can finally get my BA and I just might get a real job. C hasn't smoked in 2 weeks and goes jogging every night. I'm going to start a local IF support group since there isn't a Resolve one in our area and I'm really excited about it. We're going to start attending Church regularly and are going to plan a real vacation. We have plans to go hiking next week, weather permitting. We are living our lives again and it feels good. The journey has shaped us, but it will not become us.

We are infertile but that doesn't define us anymore. What if that is the best lesson of all?


(sorry if they aren't working, it's being all wonky for me)


  1. Beautiful post. Thank you for writing this. I feel as those the words could have come direct from my mouth. Your first What If? About the way your husband feels about Azoo.... heartbreaking and true. These fears resonate in me too.

  2. this was a great post!

    it's true that Infertility takes so much of your life, your marriage and your sanity that at the end of the day you wonder how you are breathing at all.

    I encourage you to take those trips, kiss you hubby, see the movie, buy the shoes. There is time to regret it later (and you won't I promise you). To know that you need to get some of Yourself back now is such a gift.

    Holding hope with you. Thanks for your words. :)

  3. I love this post, so truthful. I think it's easy for IF to take over our lives and I really think that your going to love taking the break as much as the decision to do so sucked. I always base my decisions on how I feel and when the anxiety and tension increases, then I know I am heading down the wrong path. The vacation, the hiking, church...it all sounds so calm and peaceful and pleasant. I really hope you enjoy the time together as a couple.


  4. You are so brave to "come out" on Facebook, I wish that I could be that brave. I have more acquaintances than friends on facebook and I don't feel comfortable sharing with them.

    Your future plans sound great - I think you are headed in a positive direction! Good for you for not letting IF take over your life!