The disappointment is heavy on my heart and it just all feels so impossible right now. There is this ache inside of me, an emptiness where a baby belongs and I feel it so profoundly these days. It seems like we will never get to experience the one thing we desire with our entire being. I feel hopeless and that is the worst feeling.
We've been going over numbers and redoing them over and over again. We can afford the loan but it would be tight. If/When the IVF works, adding the costs of a pregnancy and a baby (or two) would just be too uncomfortable for us. We simply can't do that to our child. We don't want to enter parenthood worried about money. It was a very cold feeling when the realization hit us, we stayed up very late going over and over it all. I so desperately wish money wasn't standing in the way of our dreams.
But, we do have a tentative plan in place. If it all works out, then maybe something can happen by the end of the Summer but definitely by Spring we should be cycling. I'm praying like crazy and trying to be hopeful.
I gaze at the sky nightly and make a wish, seriously- without fail, I wish on a star every night. Just a few minutes ago, I let the dogs out to go potty. I glanced up at the sky and saw a shooting star. I instantly made a wish and laughed. Laughed because I haven't seen a shooting star in years, despite my repeated request to God to show me one as a sign of hope. I've been begging God for quite some time to give me the sign I so desperately need and tonight, he did. Guess there is hope after all.