May 24, 2010

Dark Clouds

Life has been busy the past two weeks. I was in Houston for a few days for family events and then C was home all week so that left little time to blog. He's such a good distraction! I feel terrible that I missed two "Grateful Fridays" in a row but I will make up for that this week. I badly need to remind myself of the good since I've been feeling pretty negative lately. Just feeling a little sorry for myself and yearning for a baby a lot lately. It's driving me crazy to have such ups and downs in my emotions regarding our IF. It's like once I resolve to be hopeful and happy, I jinx myself and immediately start to feel bitter and angry all over again.

The last week or so I've also been unable to sleep. I get sleepy but once I'm in bed, my mind just won't turn off. I end up laying in bed for hours before giving up and going into another room to read or watch TV. So basically, I'm just a sleepy, angry, sad mess. Which means I am LOADS of fun to be around right now! Not that you should feel sorry for C, he's been pretty grumpy lately too. I think the stress is just really wearing us out and the sadness of having to postpone our IVF is harder to ignore the closer we get to June. I can feel the tension but there is little I can do to ease it. C can tell I'm sad but there is little he can do to fix it. It's such a vicious cycle. Why must IF leave no piece of our lives untouched? No matter how hard we try to be hopeful and stay positive, there is a big shadow looming overhead at all times. It's our constant companion.

The only thing that gives us any relief from that ugly IF shadow is our love. We love each other through it all; the good days, the bad days and the really, really ugly days. For better or for worse. In sickness and in health. We cling to each other and just hope to emerge on the other side as soon as possible.

4 comments:

  1. I am so thankful that you have your hubs to love youand lift you up and also thankful that you recognize what a gift your love for each other is! Have a good day and I am praying for you!

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  3. I am so sorry that you're going through this but I'm glad that you and C are able to be so supportive of each other and strong for each other right now. That makes a huge difference.

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  4. i'm sorry your stuck in that place right now... but it's okay to be grumpy and sad and feeling low. It will pass in time and hope will return but in the meantime give yourselves permission to just be sad.

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