October 12, 2010

Just can't fight this bitter feeling

I've been picking fights on FB lately, mainly with family members that I have deemed too stupid to exist. My bullshit tolerance is gone and my filter decided to go with it. So, I've hurt some feelings by voicing what everyone in my family is thinking but not saying. Yep, I'm one of "those" people fighting on FB, real mature huh? It's funny but I don't even feel bad about it. It kinda makes me laugh even. It's like I've opened my floodgates and all the bitchiness inside has just come pouring out.

I know I'm being very passive aggressive and it's only a matter of time before someone calls me out on it. I'm turning into a bitter old hag and I hate it. I'm just so angry lately because of the shadow IF casts over us. I'm mad that C has no sperm, I'm mad that he has to endure painful biopsies, I'm mad that IVF isn't more affordable, I'm mad that my stupid body isn't working properly lately and I'm so very sad that any of this takes up space in our life. I'm sad that we've been trying for a baby for 2 & 1/2 years and that April will be here before we know it and with it, our three year "anniversary" of TTC. It all just piles up inside me and erupts in a tidal wave of hurtful words and snarky comments.

Last week was particularly hard for me, all in one day I found out C has no clue when he'll be back from North Dakota, I'm allergic to the ink used in tattoos and that my two BFFs are moving out of state- one is moving to PA and the other to NY. I was miserable but I refrained from yelling at anybody on FB so that feels like progress to me. I just cried some and thought some mean thoughts and was grumpy with poor C but I managed to not be a total bitch. I'm feeling much better this week and I'm being nice again...lol

I know I can't let IF do this to me but sometimes it's just so damn hard to stay above it. This break we're on is starting to wear on me and my baby fever is through the roof right now. I was on such a high from having a fantastic July, August and September and had such high hopes for October since it's my favorite month, but wow, it's been rough. If I'm this way now, how the hell will I feel when we actually cycle? I'm scared to death of being so negative going into our IVF next year. I'm scared of turning into this angry person, permanently. 

IF, you are such a rotten bitch, stop trying to turn me into one too.


  1. I'm sorry you are feeling so bad. Infertility is a terrible monster. A few weeks ago I was doing the same thing on facebook, starting fights for fun and not dealing with ignorant, asshole comments. Sometimes you just gotta get it out.
    Hey! Maybe you can move to NJ! :) Then you'd be close to both friends and we'd get to hang out!! :)

  2. I'm so sorry sweetie. Big ((hugs)) to you. IF is an evil bitch and it isn't fair the pain we go through day to day, minute to minute really. I hope you start feeling better soon and enjoy your favorite month. Can you have a pumpkin beer to cheer up tonight?! :)

  3. The older I get, the more often I catch myself doing or saying things that are downright inappropriate. I used to have a really good filter and be really good at predicting my reaction to situations, but these past few years - forget-about-it!

    I like the way that you blame it on IF, though. I'd been taking full responsibility for my snarky, but It would be so much nicer to blame it on IF.

    Thinking about you! and Happy October! :)

  4. I'm sorry things are sucking right now. Hoping things start to improve soon.

  5. I'm sorry you're having a hard time.

    I wonder about what kind of an angry person I'm turning into sometimes, too. It seems like even though I'm not any less sad, I'm more and more angry the more hurdles we encounter. I just hope it's not a permanent development.

    Big ((HUGS)) I hope C is home soon!

  6. Michelle- I'll only move to NJ if you promise my future children enter this world fist-pumping..lol! Tt would be so cool to hang with you!

    Foxy- I admit to being a bitch to people who have wronged me, I don't hide my feelings very well, but I'm just being mean to everybody these days. le sigh

    ::throws kissses at Mrs. Hoppy, Jendeis and G:: all three of you are fabulous!

  7. I'm sorry that you're feeling this way. IF is just so hard to deal with. I also find that for me at least, going on FB just makes things so much worse. It's all of those cute pictures of babies and children that are posted. I hardly ever go on FB anymore.