I've been picking fights on FB lately, mainly with family members that I have deemed too stupid to exist. My bullshit tolerance is gone and my filter decided to go with it. So, I've hurt some feelings by voicing what everyone in my family is thinking but not saying. Yep, I'm one of "those" people fighting on FB, real mature huh? It's funny but I don't even feel bad about it. It kinda makes me laugh even. It's like I've opened my floodgates and all the bitchiness inside has just come pouring out.
I know I'm being very passive aggressive and it's only a matter of time before someone calls me out on it. I'm turning into a bitter old hag and I hate it. I'm just so angry lately because of the shadow IF casts over us. I'm mad that C has no sperm, I'm mad that he has to endure painful biopsies, I'm mad that IVF isn't more affordable, I'm mad that my stupid body isn't working properly lately and I'm so very sad that any of this takes up space in our life. I'm sad that we've been trying for a baby for 2 & 1/2 years and that April will be here before we know it and with it, our three year "anniversary" of TTC. It all just piles up inside me and erupts in a tidal wave of hurtful words and snarky comments.
Last week was particularly hard for me, all in one day I found out C has no clue when he'll be back from North Dakota, I'm allergic to the ink used in tattoos and that my two BFFs are moving out of state- one is moving to PA and the other to NY. I was miserable but I refrained from yelling at anybody on FB so that feels like progress to me. I just cried some and thought some mean thoughts and was grumpy with poor C but I managed to not be a total bitch. I'm feeling much better this week and I'm being nice again...lol
I know I can't let IF do this to me but sometimes it's just so damn hard to stay above it. This break we're on is starting to wear on me and my baby fever is through the roof right now. I was on such a high from having a fantastic July, August and September and had such high hopes for October since it's my favorite month, but wow, it's been rough. If I'm this way now, how the hell will I feel when we actually cycle? I'm scared to death of being so negative going into our IVF next year. I'm scared of turning into this angry person, permanently.
IF, you are such a rotten bitch, stop trying to turn me into one too.