December 12, 2010

when dreams hurt

This cold really wiped me out so I've been doing a lot of sleeping lately and with sleeping, came the dreams. Dreams that were amazing but that cause so much pain after I wake up. I dreamed of our son one night, so tiny and cute, full of little baby grunts and squeaks. In my dream, I was in awe that someone so wonderful was mine and I just held him and couldn't stop kissing him. C and I were over the moon happy and even talked about giving him his first bath together. The next day, all I could think about was that dream baby. How precious a son would be and how much I want our baby. My arms were aching to hold that dream baby again.

No wonder I then had a dream about our dream daughter. A sweet little girl all wrapped up in pink and with a closet full of the cutest clothes imaginable. She was full of smiles and cute little yawns and again, all I could do was hold her and tell her how much C and I had longed for her. My heart was overflowing in my dream, I was such a happy mommy.

Waking up was torture and again, all I can think about is our baby. My heart is aching right now for him or her, I wonder when we'll meet and how he or she will look, the books I'll read and the tiny clothes I'll wash and fold. I wonder about amazing baby snuggles, sweet baby laughs and little kicking feet covered in itty bitty socks. It brings tears to my eyes and I realize just how empty our lives are. The holidays never fail to shine a spotlight on what is missing. It's a different kind of pain than normal, it's a quiet one that whispers constantly about what we lack. In some ways, it's worse than the loud in your face screaming pain that I feel when we are in the middle of doctor appointments and surgeries.

These baby dreams don't occur often and I'm grateful for that because I couldn't keep my sanity if they did. They just seem to pop up at the worst times and break my heart into pieces. As scared as I am to cycle, I also can't wait. I pray about it every night and I pray for our child, that he or she will always know just how much C and I wanted, longed and ached for them. I pray they always know how much we love them because we already do and always will. We love a baby that doesn't exist yet, kinda crazy but totally true.


  1. Jesus I'm sorry. It is something I feel sometimes too. The holidays especially seem to bring it out. Hang in there!

  2. Big ((hugs)). I had a similar dream last week and they hurt so much. Unfortunately the holidays are difficult for us IF ladies. Thinking of you!