one step forward and fifty back

Sorry for disappearing, it was a much needed mental break. I escaped to Houston for a bit and while it wasn't as relaxing as I had hoped, it still felt good to be around my family. While I was there, and missing C desperately, he was sent to work in Pennsylvania. He should be home this week though and I can't wait to see him.

C and I weathered a big setback recently in regards to our IVF, one that makes me want to curl up in bed and not get out. We had to step in and loan my parents a rather large amount of money, it was actually half of what we saved for IVF. The bad economy coupled with my Dad's limited capabilities got them into a tough situation and we were the only ones able to help. So we did and I'd do it again because I love them and hate seeing them suffer.

But is it upsetting and depressing? You fucking bet. I cried bitterly and yelled and was mean to C. I hate IF with a passion that burns with a thousand suns. I hate that C's company doesn't cover IF and that our insurance company is being a giant douche about pre-existing conditions. I hate that we have to pay thousands of dollars to TRY and have a baby. I hate that my Dad had a massive bilateral stroke. I hate that the economy is so crappy. I hate that my Mom cries so much and worries for their future. I hate that my Dad is so brain damaged that he is unable to grasp the severity of their problems. Right now, life seems pretty damn mean and unfair.

So, as you can see, right now isn't a good time for me. I'm angry and bitter and depressed and just plain sad. I kept saying that it felt like our turn would never come and right now, it truly seems that way. Here we stand, missing half of what we need and scared it'll always be something that pops up to ruin our chance.

I keep telling myself that at least it's only half, it could be worse and thank the Lord C and I were able to help my parents. I am grateful for that. I also know that we can do this and we can save what we need by the end of Summer. We went from cycling in April to hopefully cycling in August, making that call again to a RE about rescheduling almost took my last shred of hope.

I do have one little shred of hope left because we want a baby so damn bad and nothing will stop us. Nothing.