I don't have much to say, I am at a stalemate. Still fighting insurance companies and unable to make appointments for either of us. I feel so frustratingly stuck. We can never seem to move forward, we are just stuck here waiting for our chance and it sometimes feels like it will never come. So, we wait and while we wait, our desire for a baby grows beyond being a fever becomes a raging epidemic. It's there, a constant whisper that will drain me of hope if I listen for too long. It leaves me crying in bed at night after we turn off the lights and it leaves me re-hiding the long ago purchased baby clothes even deeper in the closet. It also makes me quieter and more detached from all that is baby.
The longer we are in this waiting phase, the harder it is for me to imagine a positive outcome. I can't seem to wrap my head around us actually doing IVF, getting pregnant and bringing our baby home. It just all seems so impossible, like an unattainable dream that only comes true for other people. I hate feeling like this, so hopeless and lost. It makes me into a person I don't like, moody and cranky and easily annoyed with the world. I alternate between wanting C and pushing him away. I find myself picking fights with him and rolling my eyes at everything he says.
I have a trip home planned for after Valentine's Day, I think I need to recharge my batteries and spend some time with my parents. I'm very homesick and right now the trip is open ended. Open ended because I'm going to try and see doctors and get the ball rolling, we'll see what happens. I think a change of scenery will do wonders for my attitude.
It's always darkest before the dawn, isn't it? Well, I hope this is my darkest and I hope the dawn comes sooner rather than later.