February 4, 2011

It's Friday

I don't have much to say, I am at a stalemate. Still fighting insurance companies and unable to make appointments for either of us. I feel so frustratingly stuck. We can never seem to move forward, we are just stuck here waiting for our chance and it sometimes feels like it will never come. So, we wait and while we wait, our desire for a baby grows beyond being a fever becomes a raging epidemic. It's there, a constant whisper that will drain me of hope if I listen for too long. It leaves me crying in bed at night after we turn off the lights and it leaves me re-hiding the long ago purchased baby clothes even deeper in the closet. It also makes me quieter and more detached from all that is baby.

The longer we are in this waiting phase, the harder it is for me to imagine a positive outcome. I can't seem to wrap my head around us actually doing IVF, getting pregnant and bringing our baby home. It just all seems so impossible, like an unattainable dream that only comes true for other people. I hate feeling like this, so hopeless and lost. It makes me into a person I don't like, moody and cranky and easily annoyed with the world. I alternate between wanting C and pushing him away. I find myself picking fights with him and rolling my eyes at everything he says.

I have a trip home planned for after Valentine's Day, I think I need to recharge my batteries and spend some time with my parents. I'm very homesick and right now the trip is open ended. Open ended because I'm going to try and see doctors and get the ball rolling, we'll see what happens. I think a change of scenery will do wonders for my attitude.

It's always darkest before the dawn, isn't it? Well, I hope this is my darkest and I hope the dawn comes sooner rather than later.


  1. I don't normally "pump sunshine" (if you know what I mean), but please keep the faith. Prayers get answered and miracles do happen. I'm sorry you're hurting so badly right now.

  2. Getting some TLC from your parents sounds like a wonderful plan. They always seem to know how to make things "better." Sending you lots of T & Ps.

  3. I am sorry that this is taking so long. It must be so painful and I can imagine why you would want to hide under the covers. I love your last sentence. I do pray that soon you will reread this post, with a baby in your belly or in your arms, and you will be so happy that you are no longer in this place, but you will know that it made you SO strong. I do believe that you will be a mom.

  4. I'm so sorry that you're going through all of this and feeling so terrible. A great big HUGS!!! to you. I think that going home for a visit is a great idea. Sometimes we just need a change of scenery and a change of pace. I know that it's hard to do right now, but please realize that everything will work out all right for you in the end. Your dawn will come and it will be bright, sunny, and wonderful :)