::Warning, this post is about suicide and may be difficult to read::
Sorry for disappearing, it has been quite the roller coaster around here lately. It turns out I was quite wrong when I posted the last blog, we had been wrongly informed about his cousin. She did indeed commit suicide but was found, given CPR and brought back. She lingered on machines for a week until they turned them off and she passed last Monday. C's family is devastated and it's been hard to deal with all the feelings her suicide has brought on. My SIL was one of the four that found her and cut her down, she's an RN and is the one who brought her back. She's traumatized and seeing her like that just breaks my heart. Makes me angry and sad. We all have so many questions and no answers. There is just this giant, gaping hole when she once was and where she no longer wanted to be.
I can't even explain how I feel really because it's so confusing. I'm grateful she's not being kept on the machines, relieved in a strange way that she's no longer so depressed and is at peace but still so angry that she was so sick in the first place. Mad that she didn't want the help offered and sad that no one saw how really bad it was until it was too damn late. I'm also amazed that the person I knew and loved could be so depressed that she would take her own life. It literally is beyond my mental grasp to understand how and why this happened.
It's been hard to watch C deal with it all, he grieves quietly and privately and angrily. He avoids talking about it when I bring it up and instead will whisper something about it in the dark in bed or the car when we're driving somewhere. Small bits and pieces here and there, just enough that I don't worry he's holding it all in and is going to burst. He grew up down the street from her, spent so much of his youth with her and she was one of the few in his family that accepted him warts and all. They haven't been as close in the last five years, as she struggled with her illness and we moved away but we loved her so much and we will always miss her.
Thanks for the thoughts and prayers, they definitely were felt.