December 2, 2014

3 Years Since I Lost My Dad

Some days I am just overflowing with words, thoughts, and emotions, they just seem to pour out of me. But then there are those days where there are no words. Today is an incredibly odd mix of both- no words but plenty of thoughts and emotions.

Today is 3 years since my Dad died.

3 whole years without him. 3 whole years in which my entire life turned upside down. 3 whole years and a million tears. Missing him even more than I ever thought was possible and aching for just one more chance to see him, or talk to him, or hug him, or hear him say my name. Oh man, I'd give just about anything for just one more of everything.

I look for him in everyone and in everything. Cousins suddenly look like him or share a personality trait. A random but significant song on the radio is surely a message from him. A ladybug landing on me is obviously his way of showing his presence. I could go on and on with these anecdotes, I have hundreds. But what it really comes down to is my longing for more. I yearn to feel him just one more time so I'm constantly searching for him. And so shall it be for the rest of my life.

His death has changed everything. Time has changed nothing. It still hurts, I'm still sad, I still cry, I still miss him. It goes without saying that I still love my Dad, his death has altered how I can love him but it hasn't touched the depth.

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