December 15, 2008

Out of Control

My world spun out of control on October 26, 2008 when my Dad had two strokes. He was in the hospital for a month with three of those weeks spent in the ICU. While in there, it was discovered he has stage three colon cancer. The doctors did not expect my Dad to live but he is home now. He is very slowly recovering what was lost as a result of his brain damage. C and I immediately drove home to be with my family and I ended up staying while C eventually came home. I'm home now too and we are heading back for Christmas and New Years. I will spend most of January in Houston for various reasons but mainly so that I can have more time with my Dad. Looking back at that month in the hospital, I am not sure how I did not lose my mind. We're a close family and we've been through a lot but this was beyond hell for us. I stayed strong but I come back home to Arkansas and cry for hours over it all. Thank the Lord my Dad lived, it was truly a miracle. Even his doctors told us it was a miracle!

So, I am splitting my time between two states and trying to take care of everyone. It's exhausting and emotionally draining but worth it because they are my family. It put everything in my life into crystal clear perspective and amazingly, my depression over my fertility flew out the window! I've been too overwhelmed caring for my Dad to obsess over my PCOS. Yet, as another month went by with no positive pregnancy test, my heart felt it. Don't get me wrong, I am still upset over my issues but I don't care about it anymore. I will not let PCOS win and I will get pregnant this coming year! My faith is super strong and of course, I have hope.

Anyway, my Dad is doing good and will start chemo some time in January. I am looking forward to being with him for the holidays despite my lack of Christmas cheer. I have decorated our house, wrapped presents, sent cards and hosted a party but I still feel very bah humbug about it all. I just want it all to be over so that life can resume and move forward. It's strange because normally I am a Christmas freak and celebrate to the max but these past couple of months have just wiped me out. I had to withdraw for the semester and I don't even care about the impact that will have on my academic goals. eh, it's been a hard time emotionally for me and it's starting to show.

So, here's to Christmas, miracles, my Dad and a better 2009 then we could hope for.

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