May 23, 2009

The Best of Intentions

Avoidance is powerful, especially when you do not want to face your life. This blog has constantly been on my mind but I never could find the desire to put my thoughts to words. It is much easier to forget and not think about all the changes God threw my way these past seven months. All the fears swirling in mind were safe, as long as I didn't write them down or voice them out loud. It has been challenging to accept and deal with all this fear but I am slowly doing so. For the sake of my own sanity, I had to.

My Dad is alive, the cancer in remission and my entire family is rejoiceful. However, the physical and mental problems continue to cast a shadow over my Dad's miracle. As a result of his brain damage from his two strokes, he is a very different man. Out of respect for him, I won't get into the details but it can be extremely difficult to care for him. My rockstar Mom is bearing the majority of his care and is the definition of strength. We are not sure if he will improve anymore and his doctors just tell us it will be up to a year before we know anything more. But, as long as he is alive, I will glady deal with these challenges.

As for Carlos and me, we are actively facing our TTC issues. I've had even more doctor appointments and am now on metformin and prometrium to help us conceive. If these medicines don't work, I return to the doctor in July to discuss our next step. At first, I was extremely hopeful but as each cycle comes and goes without a pregnancy, my hope is dwindling. It is such a struggle to stay hopeful and it's hard to not be pregnant in a world where seemingly everyone is. But even more so because I have several pregnant friends and family members. It is becoming increasingly painful for me to be around them, which makes me feel even worse.

Sometimes it seems like all the people in my life know this great, big secret that I don't and I desperately just want to know what they know.

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