For an unknown reason, this past failed cycle hit C and me pretty hard. Don't get me wrong, they are all sad, hard, frustrating and a million other things but this one in particular was a real heart-breaker. It just touched a nerve with us and we didn't handle it very well. For the past 14 months of TTC, we have talked at length about my feelings, my pain and my issues but apparently I failed at asking about his own thoughts. I hadn't put a lot of thought into how my IF issues affected C, I guess I was just too selfish to consider his feelings or too dumb to think that they did affect him. C is not big on talking about his feelings or fears, don't get me wrong, this guy will sit for hours with me and talk about all kinds of mindless chatter but rarely do I see his emotional side.
He's always been my rock and he is so strong that I just assumed he would tell me how he was feeling. But the failure of our last cycle touched off something that was simmering there and we had a big fight last week. Now there is this new frailty in our relationship that is very strange. Suddenly all my IF issues seem so real, so concrete and it's no longer just my problem but our problem. I feel like the worst wife in the world for not seeing his pain. I've spent the last 14 months apologizing to him for being so broken and feeling like an incomplete woman and now I finally see his side of this. His pain at not being able to fix this for me, his sadness at watching me deal with this and his frustration with how much IF sucks. I can now see that even my strong husband is struggling to handle it all and maybe I'm not so weak after all for not being able to cope with IF.
Oddly enough, the big fight was the best thing for us. Yes, there is a sense of frailty now but there is also an amazing amount of tenderness and understanding. We're acting like newlyweds again and have connected on a level that makes me feel safe and secure. We've been together for almost 10 years and we have seen each other through really, really hard times but nothing like this. We've always made making our relationship strong a priority and he's always been my partner in crime but this new level of closeness is astounding. I just don't feel like the same person anymore and I know that together, C and I can kick IF's ass. It's still going to be hard and painful but as long as we lean on each other, we will get through this. I can get through anything with C, he truly is the greatest guy.
I have felt so lost throughout all this, especially when my Dad got so sick but I don't feel like that anymore. I feel stronger and I am so excited for our next doctor appointment. It's a couple of weeks away and we'll be taking the next step, whatever it is, in treating/dealing with my IF. I can't wait to see what is next for us.