No easy way out

Just when I think I've reached a place where I am dealing with IF, something happens to knock me off my ass and I realize that maybe you never truly deal with IF, you just learn to ignore it better. Hello, I'm Amanda and I'm in denial.

This week has been hard for me. Hard in a way that I haven't encountered since our lovely phone call informing us that C's SA was zero. There have been 3 doctor visits, 1 procedure done and C's biopsy isn't even until Monday. I met with my gastroenterologist and he recommended I have a colonoscopy since my Dad was dx so young with colon cancer and my paternal grandfather died from lymphoma. Yay for me! I had it done yesterday and was blissfully sedated for it. He found one little problem and sent it out for biopsy but he doesn't think it's anything serious. He also informed us that my liver is functioning slightly worse and that my body might not sustain a pregnancy without being a threat to my life. I left in tears.

I also met with my RE for the first time this week. He's something else for sure. Dr. Blunt is what I'm calling him b/c he just laid it all out in a manner that I had thought would be done with sensitivity. Nope, not my RE! He tells it like it is...jerk, I need things sugar-coated! I actually had a special experience at his office, I had a rather unexpected visit with the dildocam. I've heard stories about this special instrument, read posts by other nesties laughing about it but had never had the pleasure myself. I was nervous about my RE being a guy, never having been seen down below by a male doctor but was reassured that he probably wouldn't on my first visit. HA! Not only did Dr. Blunt get all up in there, his male nurse assisted him. Well, hello, let's just invite all the men in the building to look at my broken lady parts. I've heard that IF makes you lose all sense of modesty and now I can see why people say that!

Anyway, Dr. Blunt showed me my ovaries and they were covered in cysts. He called me a "textbook PCOS patient", woohoo! Finally I excel at something, too bad it's IF! He drew some blood from me for something to do with metformin and because I was already fasting for my colonoscopy, patted me on my ass and sent me off. Well, not really, there was no pat but I felt like we both deserved one after the ultrasound. I had fun describing it all to C, who thought it was hilarious. Joking aside, Dr. Blunt really pushed home that donor sperm is probably our best option and certainly the cheapest. Our insurance doesn't cover IUI or IVF and IVF is what he recommends for us and it's only 15k.

I can't wait to see what the hell Monday brings for us and feel so depressed after all the bad news this week. IF has made us it's bitch and I can't help but feel like we are so screwed.