October 20, 2009

then comes the anger

I had been successful in ignoring it all, I was amazed at how well I seemed to be taking it. Granted, I had morphed into a super cleaning, super busy robot but I didn't think it was b/c of our results. I thought I was ok. HA! I've been just miserable the past few days as I struggle to finally face it. There really is no sperm and nothing I do, say, wish or pray for is going to change that fact. My wonderful husband will never father a child that has his really cute face. That is the hardest part for me, accepting that this has been handed to him. C wouldn't hurt a fly, he's genuinely a good guy- stops on the side of the road to help people broken down, gets up at 3 am to go drive a drunk friend home, gives his last dollar to a homeless guy and oh man, how he adores children. He is great with them, our 9 nephews and nieces think he's the coolest guy ever. And he is, C is one of a kind. (not that I'm biased or anything!)

I am angry at God because this is happening to C. There, I said it, I'm angry at God. I'm pissed off that he has azoospermia, pissed off that it can't be fixed, pissed off that there are idiots out there fathering children they abuse, neglect and don't want when my husband can't father a single one! It's not fair, it doesn't make any sense and I wish it wasn't true. I'm having a hard time reconciling God's love for us with what we are going through. I prayed so hard for sperm, my family prayed, my friends prayed, my fellow IF friends online prayed and still nothing! I'm a faithful person, I've witnessed God's love and I believe in the power of prayer but it didn't work for us. I feel like God failed us. I feel like God turned His back on us when we needed Him the most.

So, I tried to turn my back on Him too. I refused to pray and stopped praising Him. Funny thing about turning your back on God, you start to notice Him in places you didn't before. When I confessed all this to C, he looked me in my eyes and told me that he couldn't believe I felt this way because he didn't and that I shouldn't feel like this either. Wow, talk about a humbling moment. So, I'm trying to not be so angry anymore and I'm starting to deal with this mess. It's a slow process though, dealing with it, and I don't expect it to be easy. But, I have hope that it can be done, especially when I read blogs of other couples dealing with azoospermia. I wish we didn't have to accept this reality but then, there are so many things I wish for these days.


  1. Everything that you've been feeling is OK. You have to allow yourself the time to grieve and cry and scream at G-D and the universe for all of this.

    Wishing you strength in the coming days and hopes that you find some measure of peace.

  2. It's ok to be angry. Let yourself feel it. It will eventually fade, but right now it is what it is.


  3. I can so relate to that anger at God. I have been there myself since we got our first (not unexpected) 0 sperm count. I keep hoping my anger will subside, but so far it seems to only get worse. This is a hard road to follow and I find it hard to believe that God would give this to us, which leaves me doubting god altogether...

  4. I can understand why you're angry at God. Don't feel bad about it, it's natural. I've felt angry at God too. But I'm glad that you're finding him in spite of your anger.

  5. Get mad.. scream yell..cry. It does feel better, some days are bad.. but some are not so terrible. My DH has Azoo and I have PCOS.