December 10, 2009

Anxious

I am getting so anxious the closer we get to the 21st, I want the next eleven days to just fly by. I'm ready to know the outcome and start making plans for the coming year. We have confirmation our insurance is covering the procedures and the biopsy slides from C's biopsy are on their way to Dr. L so I'm just waiting now. I can't help but think about the implications of having these procedures done 4 days before Christmas though. We are either going to have a very depressing Christmas or a very joyous one. Personally, I'm leaning toward joyous but you never can know. I'm trying to stay positive though and have convinced myself that we will be starting our IVF journey soon. I just can't even comprehend an outcome other then finding sperm. My mind will briefly ponder the possibility of more devastating news but then it leaps right back to hope, which is either a really good place to be or a really good way to avoid dealing with it.

As for C, he is not too worried just yet. We talk a lot about IVF and how to plan 2010 around that. I did have to explain what an enema was and why he had to have one before the procedures. The look on his face was priceless! Poor guy is being such a champ about all this. He seldom mentions how deep his desire to be a father is but the other day, he had me in tears. He mentioned that when we hang out with our BFFs and their kids, it gets hard for him. He watches me holding one of the little ones or chases after them himself and he said he never fails to think, "Why can't one of these be ours?" Aye, I have to give this man a child. It broke my heart to hear that. I can deal with IF but I can't stand seeing Carlos hurt, he is my Achilles heel.

So IF, we are done with you. You made a HUGE mistake messing with us, I don't take kindly to seeing my sexy man in pain. We will be kicking your ass in 2010. Be prepared b/c we fight dirty and we never give up.

3 comments:

  1. I love this post. It is so hopeful. You have no reason not to be hopeful, and I think it is great that the hope is outweighing the fear.

    Poor Carlos. I can't wait for your dreams to come true.

    You ARE going to kick IF's ass. I just know it!

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  2. I'll be praying for you while you are waiting. Way to go - let's kick IF's ass!

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