December 6, 2009

This time of year

It was interesting having my niece here. She's 5 months old and adorable but she ripped my heart out. I kept insisting that she looked a lot like me and sure enough, people would comment on how much she looked like me. That would make me so happy and yet so sad. I would look at her and think, "wow, I wish she was mine." and I would dream of all the outfits I would put her in, the places I would take her and the books I would read to her. It's not that I begrudge my sister her happiness or her baby, I just desperately wish I had a baby. I can remember telling my then-pregnant sister and my sister-in-law last Christmas that by this Christmas, I would either be pregnant or have a tiny baby. I was so sure that it would happen for us this year, we even bought a small SUV in anticipation of my pregnancy.

But, here I am, no baby and no pregnancy. TTC for 20 months and all we have to show for it is medical bills, scars and lots of broken dreams. What the &^%# went wrong and more importantly, why? Now, I try not to question this journey we are on, we're on it for a reason but man oh man, this time of year wreaks havoc on my heart. As I fill out Christmas cards, I wish I was including a baby picture, as I shop for gifts, I wish I was shopping for my baby and as we go about doing our Christmas traditions, I wish that our baby was here to experience them with us. I wish, I wish, I wish....for so much. But, don't we all?

Depressing as this post may be, I promise I am not all doom and gloom all the time. It just strikes me at certain moments and throws me for a loop. We are eagerly anticipating C's procedures, which are 2 weeks from Monday. Well, I can't really say that C is looking forward to his rectal ultrasound but he is looking forward to finding out where the sperm is hiding! I am beyond thinking that we will find nothing, although I know how possible that is. I am thinking that we will find sperm, freeze it and move forward with IVF next year. The power of positive thinking! Let's hope I am right!

Hope you all had a great weekend!


  1. I know just how you feel, the holidays are very difficult for me as well. I'm praying that everything goes well with C's procedures!

  2. Oh man, I know exactly what you mean. Sometimes when I hold my best friends son, I close my eyes and pretend he's mine. That I'm comforting MY baby, and that he's happy to be in MY arms... Hurts so good, huh?

    I was SO sure that I would be pregnant by this Christmas... We're so bummed that it hasn't happened yet, that this sort of feels like any other month. For the first time EVER, neither of us are motivated to get a Christmas tree. Normally we get one the day after thanksgiving...

    Don't feel bad or weird about posting the sad stuff. I do the same thing, I'm not always sad, it's just easier to write when I am. It feels good to get the bad stuff off my chest.

    I hope things go well with C's upcoming appointment! Can't wait to hear all the details.

  3. I'm trying to embrace positive thinking too but sometimes the depressing thoughts creep in. The holidays sure aren't easy.

  4. I'm so sorry that having your niece here made you think all of those thoughts. It is so hard to be around children. It is just too close to home.

    I love your positive thinking! I hope that you are thrilled with the results of the appointment, and that it makes you smile very big.

  5. I hear you...even though us guys are not supposed to be so emotional, every time I see my sister's new baby girl, I die a little more inside...and the thought that I am the reason my wife hasn't got her own little bundle in her arms hurts even more....but what can you do..we're all trying everything we gotta suck it up and make sure we don;t miss out on these important moments in our families lives - even when they cause so much pain.
    Gotta believe we'll be there someday.
    All the best and fingers (and definitely legs and eyes) crossed for your poor husband's upcoming procedure - hope you guys get useful information and a positive result.
    We'll all be watching and hoping.