Varicocele

First thought screaming through my mind? How the hell did Dr. Nuts miss this? I mean, really? Ugh, I'm so pissed off at him...and really at myself. Pissed off that I didn't insist we move straight to a MFI specialist rather then waste time and money with Dr. Nuts. We should have gone directly to Dr. L. Maybe then we wouldn't be sitting here, waiting on surgery that will hopefully improve C's counts enough to knock me up the old fashioned way. I'm still having a hard time believing that will ever happen though. I just can't believe Dr. L when I keep hearing Dr. Nuts and Dr. Insensitive's words in my head:

"I'm sorry, your husband is sterile." - Dr. Insensitive
"If Dr. L fixes you, let me know cause that would be a real miracle!" - Dr. Nuts

C is super annoyed with me, he keeps reminding me that Dr. L is a MFI specialist, the other two idiots aren't and if I should believe anyone, it's Dr. L. That is much easier said than done. I wish I could believe it but we've been disappointed so much that at this point, I don't believe anything a doctor says to me. I am also sad that C has to keep enduring these procedures, tests and surgeries that are proving to be unnecessary. Thinking about the biopsy really pisses me off these days. The TRUS wasn't too bad, it was rather unpleasant and it was very uncomfortable for him but the shot they gave him on the butt hurt more then the probe. I cannot say that word without laughing and gleefully told my family about his probe date, much to C's dismay. Carlos did tell me that before the TRUS started, he asked the ultrasound guy to at least buy him dinner first. lmao...that's my man! Our maturity may be that of a teenage boy but at least we have that in common!

For real though, I am nervous about the surgery. Anytime there are sharp objects near C's manly parts, I get a tad freaked out but oddly enough, he's absolutely cool about it. Hopefully this is the last surgery for him and everything will work out. Ha! there it is again! Hope, that dang word just won't leave me alone. I guess I have hope after all, tricky little b*****d keeps finding me.

So, dear blog, the past few months have been very confusing and our path keeps changing. First from PCOS to azoospermia to donor sperm to 4 swimmers and IVF to a forced break now. I honestly don't know what direction this blog will be going in perhaps we'll end up with donor sperm in the end after all or perhaps I'll get KU by actually having ::gasp:: sex! Who knows at this point, I can only promise that I will keep being honest and immature about it all. I will also cry/vent/scream a lot and have many episodes of neurotic questioning with Dr. Google as my primary resource. I hope you will stay with me on this journey because your support has been a God-send and has much me so much comfort.