June 1, 2010

Good Riddance to May!

I am so glad that May is over, it was not friendly to me. Mother's Day was challenging in ways I hadn't anticipated, I was very homesick for my family, C and I were grumpy with each other almost every day and I dealt with a surprise pregnancy announcement. All while secretly googling baby names and strollers because I am a glutton for punishment...or, rather, an idiot. I'm trying to not think about Father's Day since it'll be the first one since the azoo diagnosis and I'm unsure of how both of us are going to handle it. I'm focusing on C's birthday, which is this weekend, also on another trip to TX in a couple of weeks and on a dear friend's wedding at the end of the month. I want this month to pass quickly!

C and I are slowly making mends towards not being so grumpy with each other. It's really hard to let go of the bitterness though and the guilt. He sees how badly I am hurting so he feels guilty and blames himself. I see him taking blame for a blameless condition and get angry at myself for not hiding my baby fever better. It seems, in our endless talks about IF, all we actually talked about was IF. We talked about what doctors said, the next surgery, the next appointment, our insurance and saving for IVF. Rarely did we talk about our feelings, the pain or the longing for a baby. We focused on what we could see and not on what was going on inside of us. Which, evidently, we could only keep buried for so long. Now that there are no treatments or doctors to distract us, we are left dealing with the emotions. They have been much more difficult to deal with than any of the doctors or surgeries.

It might be surprising to you that we neglected to really discuss our feelings, it's surprising to me too. We did mention how sad/upset/scared we were feeling but we rarely went into details. Never did we talk about blame, bitterness or how it was changing us and our marriage. Not that we blame each other but we sure do blame ourselves and that is just as poisonous. So, there have been a lot of talks lately about all this really heavy stuff. It's really draining on us and I've found a couple of therapists in Little Rock that might be helpful to us. I'm calling my old RE here tomorrow to see if they recommend one over the other. It's time we see someone who can help us deal with this.

There isn't much I can do about my homesickness though and I fiercely miss Texas these days. I'm going back soon and I can't wait. I'm also going on vacation with my family in early July, poor C can't rearrange his work schedule to come along too. We're headed to Florida and I am super excited, it's just what I need. But, to be fair to C, we just made plans to head to San Diego this Fall to see his brother's family. A nice trip to San Diego and maybe Vegas is just perfect for us.

Now, the surprise pregnancy announcement. I was woken up last week by a text from one of my BFFs here announcing her unexpected, unplanned pregnancy. One she is not very happy about either. She has a four year old and a twenty month old and has been saying she is done for over a year now but not using BC. Yeah, and she's shocked by this pregnancy?! Maybe she needs a lesson in reproduction? ::sigh:: I am happy for her, as long as she keeps her complaints to herself. This means, amidst my two BFFs here, there is a 4 y/o, an almost 3 y/o, an almost 2 y/o, a 5 month old and a pregnancy...and a partridge in a pear tree. FML

Is it any wonder my baby fever is reaching Mt. Everest type peaks? We are surrounded by children and babies. Maybe, just maybe, our homesickness is our disguise for wanting to get the hell out of babyville. God, I hope I find a therapist tomorrow.

3 comments:

  1. Amanda, I am so sorry that you are going through all of this. My DH and I did not talk about our emotions throughout this process either. I think that we are almost afraid to talk about our emotions because we are both very scared and to discuss our emotions would be to open a huge Pandora's box. So, you're definitely not alone in this aspect. It's also very hard when close friends keep getting pregnant especially when one of them is not overly excited about the pregnancy. I hope that you find a therapist soon. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

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  2. Ugh too many babies. My 3 close friends have about the same .. it blows. Hoping you feel better soon.

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