July 7, 2010

Azoo: One Year Later

I barely remembered writing this post about C's first experience with those little cups until I read it again recently. Like a tidal wave, it all came rushing back to me. We had abstained for a few days, per Dr. Insensitive's orders, and were chomping at the bit to get back in action. That caused us to collect the sample at like 2am...hehe...and rush it to the 24/7 lab at our local hospital. I vividly remember looking at the contents and feeling a slight nudge that something wasn't right, C saw that quick hesitation on my face and asked me in this little, worried voice if it was enough. That voice broke my heart so I pushed my fear aside and reassured him that I was 100% confident everything would turn out fine. We dropped it off and I remember the lab tech was a young girl whose name was Athena. It made this history nerd laugh and joke how I wished her name had been Aphrodite. Deep down, I was so scared and prayed the whole drive home for everything to be ok.

Now, this post, I can recall all too well. I wrote it the day after the doctor called to give me the results. Since C was working out of town, I had a friend come over because a guy from Craigslist was coming over to pick something up and I didn't want to be alone when he came. B and I were in my computer room, watching perverted/gross videos on youtube when my phone rang. I walked into my kitchen and sat at the table where I heard these words, "Sorry but your husband is sterile." I immediately started crying and B looked at me in horror as I hung up and blurted it all out to her. Poor B is a single gal who doesn't want to have kids or get married and was stuck trying to comfort me! She was and has been a total sweetheart about everything.

It was pure hell calling C and telling him, he later told me he cried in the bathroom after we hung up (which totally makes my heart hurt to picture). He came home a couple of days later and everything and nothing had changed. We talked, argued and cried and I was in disbelief over his total optimism over it all. We decided right then and there that we would leave no stone unturned in our quest for answers. We are feisty and stubborn and our determination led us to not accept Dr. Nut's initial assessment and also led to Dr. L's amazing discovery of our four little swimmers in C's fourth SA.

I remember making the call to my Mom that day. I was crying so hard that she couldn't make out my words and the first thing I said was, "Now he's going to leave me" and now, a year later, that tells me so much about how I feel about it all. I would rather there not be a single drop of completely perfect semen than be without C. As long as I have him, I will deal with the azoospermia and all it entails. He is what is important, not his sperm, I love him with or without it. I stress that to him often.

Here we are one year later and like I said, everything and nothing has changed. We are still us but a different us, we are scarred, less innocent and see the world through our infertility colored glasses now. We can't look at pregnant woman or babies quite the same anymore. We tell people that there are so many more ways to have a family then the old fashioned way and that none of them are the wrong way. We also see each other differently, now that we've been to hell and back, but it's not a bad thing. We see each others strengths and weaknesses, we know how much we can take on and are learning when to take a step back. We started out this summer so heartbroken over canceling our IVF but now are so grateful we had to. We've had the best summer and are in such a good place right now. We have found a peace that I never imagined a year ago we would.

I guess with enough perspective, the view of just about anything can change and morph into feelings you never imagined. Amazing what a year can teach you.


  1. Beautiful post- IF sucks so much but it helps to have such a wonderful support system with your significant others. You are right there are more than one ways to be a family. We have opted to forgo any more IF procedures and have just been approved to adopt and we are now waiting. Sending you lots of thoughts and prayers.

  2. That was such a beautiful post. It broke my heart to read about him crying in the bathroom. I have often thought about how horrible that must be for a man to find that out about himself, and how horrible that must be for the woman as well. If it weren't for this blogging community and blogs like yours, I wouldn't even know the depths of how hard something like that must be. Of course, I really don't know, because you have to experience it to know it, but I can only imagine the horror if it.

    You are such a strong woman and it is so sweet to read about how strong you two have grown. When you have your children, they will seem even sweeter to you. You won't take them for granted like so many people do. It seems that my experience of the last year has made me grow so close to my husband, and I am actually thankful for it. My friends don't know how lucky they are to have their children, and most of them don't understand the true blessing of it. People who experience hardship are often the "lucky" ones because of what we get out of it.

  3. Oh Amanda - Thanks for finding my blog! I am so happy to have found yours! Azoos is a special kind of hell, and so many things that you write about hold true for my dh and I. You make me realize too that I need to write about our 'one year' mark. It has been a BIG thought for the past few weeks,and writing has been a wonderful outlet to calm some of those otherwise out of control head flys. There are so many vivid memories I have from that first day, and so many other painful ones that I have been carrying around all year.

    Very exciting to read that you are looking at adoption! I am your newest follower!