I've written before about the grief that accompanies IF and how it surprised me. I hadn't expected that and I have come to realize you just live with it because sometimes times doesn't heal all wounds and sometimes, that is ok. I can carry this grief now because I've made a relative peace with it. We're infertile but we are also so much more and that makes it easier for me to live with it. So, the grief no longer surprises me but the guilt does. The gut wrenching, soul crushing guilt and it doesn't even have to make much sense for me to feel guilt over something. For example, I feel guilty for that first ever SA and for waiting so long to get my PCOS issues checked on. I feel guilty when C mentions his biopsies, when another medical bill arrives and when I see the longing on his face for a baby. I even feel guilty for talking about my baby fever or my sadness.
So, the grief has moved over and made room for the guilt and I'm having a hard time finding a way to live with it. We've been talking more about the guilt and we try to reassure each other as much as we can but it's still so hard. We feel guilty for our shared IF and blame ourselves. But, I think most of all, I feel guilty over his pain because I can't fix it.
I wish I had a direct line to C's brain or a crystal ball that could show me all the feelings he covers up. I also wish I could find the right things to say to him about it all. I am at a loss for the perfect comforting words he needs to hear and I hate that. I can't fix this hurt for him and it kills me. And what kills me even more is I know he feels the exact same way towards me. He loathes his IF and blames himself for my sadness over it. He is always my Superman, the Mr. Fix-it to all my problems, big or small, imagined or real and this is something he feels so powerless over. I hate seeing him struggle with these feelings, it makes me feel like the worst wife in the history of the world. I can't fix this and neither can he and that is one of the worst feelings about all this IF crap.