August 24, 2010

the guilt

I've written before about the grief that accompanies IF and how it surprised me. I hadn't expected that and I have come to realize you just live with it because sometimes times doesn't heal all wounds and sometimes, that is ok. I can carry this grief now because I've made a relative peace with it. We're infertile but we are also so much more and that makes it easier for me to live with it. So, the grief no longer surprises me but the guilt does. The gut wrenching, soul crushing guilt and it doesn't even have to make much sense for me to feel guilt over something. For example, I feel guilty for that first ever SA and for waiting so long to get my PCOS issues checked on. I feel guilty when C mentions his biopsies, when another medical bill arrives and when I see the longing on his face for a baby. I even feel guilty for talking about my baby fever or my sadness.

So, the grief has moved over and made room for the guilt and I'm having a hard time finding a way to live with it. We've been talking more about the guilt and we try to reassure each other as much as we can but it's still so hard. We feel guilty for our shared IF and blame ourselves. But, I think most of all, I feel guilty over his pain  because I can't fix it.

I wish I had a direct line to C's brain or a crystal ball that could show me all the feelings he covers up. I also wish I could find the right things to say to him about it all. I am at a loss for the perfect comforting words he needs to hear and I hate that. I can't fix this hurt for him and it kills me. And what kills me even more is I know he feels the exact same way towards me. He loathes his IF and blames himself for my sadness over it. He is always my Superman, the Mr. Fix-it to all my problems, big or small, imagined or real and this is something he feels so powerless over. I hate seeing him struggle with these feelings, it makes me feel like the worst wife in the history of the world. I can't fix this and neither can he and that is one of the worst feelings about all this IF crap.


  1. I wish that I had words to give you to help ease the feeling of guilt, but there is nothing that I can say that will make it better. My thoughts and prayers are with you...

  2. Oh my God I so could have written this post! I also wish I could just know what my dh is thinking...I know he feels guilty, like my sadness is his fault. That is SO not the case. Sometimes I wish we had female factor so I could just embrace my sadness and me mad at MY body.

  3. I know exactly how you feel and it helps to know we aren't alone! I wish I knew the depth of my DH's feeling of guilt, it would help us move forward I think but it's hard to express. Just remember it's not your fault, there is nothing you could have done to prevent this. ((hugs))

  4. What a thought provoking and honest post. I don't know if I have felt guilt over my infertility. I will have to think about that one. Perhaps ask DH if he has felt guilt.

    Infertility is not your fault or your DH's it sadly just how your bodies are. You are doing everything you can to fullfill your dreams for that you should be very proud.

  5. aw, man, grief is SO very real in IF. i wonder if it will ever not be, or if it will disappear completely eventually. it *has* gotten a little better for me, but it's always there, lurking in the background, waiting to rear its ugly head. hang in there...hugs to you and your hubs...

  6. I've been there, and for me it has improved it's still there. I saw my husband with a baby the other week and felt so guilty that I can't give him that.

    Just keep on keeping on. Remember it's not your fault or his, it can't be fixed just lived through.


  7. I, too, wish that I could "hear" my husband's thoughts on what we are going through! He's so hush hush about it and I would love to hear more about what he is mulling over in his mind.

    Best of luck on your future TTC attempts!

    ICLW #2

  8. You are so right in this regard. The guilt is sometimes so all-consuming. Guilt for being the 'broken one' in our infertility equation, the guilt for being the cause of the issue, the pain, the costs, the heartache...and now it seems, after our first failed IVF, the DW is carrying her share of it too (god knows why?!).
    It seems that pain, guilt, sadness, and a whole lot of other emotions are synonymous with infertility...and that's what makes it such a bugger!!
    Just keep talking honestly to each other...that's all we can do on this shitty roller-coaster.
    Take Care and good luck.