November 15, 2010

IF is creeping back in

The closer we get to the end of the year, the more IF is creeping back into our lives: it's in our conversations as we plan our 2011, as we make doctor appointments, as we read the adoption books, coming across the pregnancy tests I bought a week before the azoo dx, coming across the large manila folder in our office closet with all our IF information and of course, with all the Christmas excitement.

I adore Christmas. I decorate the house inside and out, listen to Christmas music almost nonstop, happily send out loads of cards, shop & bake like crazy and revel in all the magic of the season. Throw in parties with friends, ice skating and ohhing and ahhing over light displays and you have my very packed December. But I love it, always have. But the past couple of years have really brought out my inner Scrooge. Bah humbug at it's finest with me crying a lot, being a total snarky bitch at family gatherings and me wondering if I'll ever share the Christmas magic with our child.

I manage to get through it by, um, drinking when I can and escaping back to AR the first minute we can because we always go home for Christmas. My Dad's health is too fragile for me to miss a Christmas with him. Last year C really pushed for us to go away this year but in the end, we just can't out of fear for my Dad's health. This year will be even more challenging because C won't be able to make the trip to TX due to work. I'll be on my own and that makes me sad, we haven't spent a Christmas apart since we were teenagers.

This all makes me hate the shadow IF has cast over our lives so much more. I feel so robbed of a normal life and it's hard to not be a bitter bitch. I was feeling so burnt out after we canceled our cycle in June, I was ready to just live it all behind and go get lost somewhere for a while. C and I were fighting a lot and it was just all too much. Once we got back on track, we had the best Summer ever. I know I've mentioned this before but it was amazing and full of happiness. I was sad to see it leave but Fall has been wonderful in it's own way too. I am just terrified of going back to that dark place again, I am terrified of cycling but I am also ready to get it all started. Does that make any sense? I guess I'm scared but I want our child more than I'm scared. Again, am I making any sense? lol

My fear of dealing with IF makes me hesitant to blog or be a part of the IF message board I usually frequent, which sucks and I'm sorry. I am really going to make more of an effort so be prepared to put up with me again!


  1. Amanda, I totally get it! I was saying almost exactly this to a friend and my hubby yesterday, I am terrified of another cycle, but so frustrated at the delay to start the cycle. I am terrified of keeping trying and keeping failing, but I am even more scared of not trying.

    I have also found myself in a very dark space and I am struggling to even remember what the light looked like at the moment, so I get it.

    BTW last Christmas we had both of our whole families together, little did we realise it would be the last time. So try as much as possible to cherish this Christmas with your Dad.

    Sending you big (((hugs)))

  2. I'm sorry about the dark place and the secrets hidden in IF folders.
    Please try and enjoy this Christmas with your father and enjoy Christmas itself. Try and push away the dark and enjoy the light and joy that comes with the holiday.

  3. Totally understand everything you are feeling. In our own ways we all go through the same things I think. I try to avoid some family functions as well - it's just easier that way. I'm over caring if it offends anyone. Just take care of you as much as possible. I hope you have a wonderful Christmas sweetie, you deserve it!