peace

Climbing back out of a dark spot is always challenging for me. I over think everything and that is just exhausting. But really, everything about my life was exhausting- carrying the IF pain and guilt, being jealous of families and pregnancies, avoiding baby stores, constantly talking about IF, all the worry I carry about my folks...it's just all too much. So, I decided I'm done. I'm done with IF. I harp on and on about not letting it define me but guess what? It did and I let it for too long. I get that I'm so much more than a barren, bitter bitch. There is more to me and C than a woman who is slightly broken and a man who was born with no sperm. I know all this but yet, it still gets me so sad. I'm only human, right? Who wouldn't be brought to their knees by IF? But at what point do we say enough is enough and move on? When the treatments fail? When we're broke financially and emotionally? When all that is left is adoption or a child-free life? (I'm not knocking either or saying that adoption is what you turn to when everything else fails) When you successfully bring home a baby? Is becoming a parent the only cure for all that is IF?

I really can't stand feeling like this. All the bitterness and sadness is doing nothing for me, it doesn't change the cold hard facts- I don't ovulate, have periods and my liver is crap and C doesn't produce sperm. No amount of tears or days spent in bed is going to change that. Even bringing home a baby isn't going to change that. This is our life and it always will be. We are who we are, we were born this way. (bwahaha, any Lady Gaga fans laughing at me?) I can't change this and I guess that is ok or at least I have to find a way to live with that being ok.

After this last dark spot, I felt a nudge to go to Church. So I did and I felt more at peace than I have in years. I sat there and spent half the time talking to God and the other half listening and I left feeling happy, peaceful and centered. I smiled at babies and laughed at the children whispering how much longer to their parents. I didn't avoid the baby section at the store. I spent a couple of hours with a friend and her two month old and happily held the baby. I just feel stronger and it's nice.

So, I'm going to try this and see how it works for me. I'm going to put IF on the shelf for now and just live my life. I'm not going to worry about saving the money for IVF or what will happen if the IVF doesn't work for us. I'm going to be happy and enjoy every precious day I have. Spring is almost here so I'm going to embrace it. I want to enjoy the warm breezes, the blue skies, grilling out, the leaves returning to trees and flowers blooming. I'm going to get my butt to Church every weekend and find that peace I so desperately need.

I'm going to live my life, in spite of IF. Carpe diem, lovelies, carpe diem.