I know things are boring around the Hope blog lately but it's been an emotional couple of months and I just haven't felt up to blogging or posting on the IF message board I used to frequent. I am just at a really weird place in regards to IF lately. I'm tired of feeling bitter and angry and just want to feel normal again. I'd like to be able to be around baby things without it sending a horrible ache through my body. I'm having some luck with all that, I can rub my friend's baby bump, which I know is a huge no-no for so many pregnant women but I literally can't help but touch, and I'm helping plan her a shower. But I can't stand to be around too much baby talk or stay too long in a baby aisle. I just really, really want a baby.
My Dad's chemo has derailed the aim for a July IVF but we're hoping to be able to do it before winter starts. Honestly, at this point, it feels like it will never happen. Something always happens to stop us- either it's the money or some kind of family crisis. I just want to throw my hands up and tell God whatever. I know that I can plan plan plan all I want but that it won't happen until God is ready for it to happen but it is SO hard to trust that. Especially since I struggle with my faith so much these days.
Why is it so hard for me to have faith? To stay hopeful? When will we catch a frickin' break?